The In-Between

The past few weeks, several blog topics have gone through my mind, and I had ever intention of writing them. Of course, I get these great ideas and thoughts when I'm no where near a computer and so I can't write. Today, I have the time, I'm on the computer, and I don't want to write these topics.

Right now, I feel like I'm stuck straddling between what I want and what I have. What I have is fine, but what I want, I can't have. Not right now anyways. Plus, my emotions are playing a huge part in this. If I stay with what I have...well, my emotions would become frustrated. If I leave the situation because I can't have what I want, then I'll be sad because I won't have what I currently have. Compromising between what I want and what I have will probably just complicate things further.

I'm pretty sure I've lost you right now. It makes sense to me, and it might to you if you have an inkling about what this is about.

I know what the logical thing should be. Unfortunately, my head and my heart like to argue, particularly when it comes to this situation. I think the big question is, can I not have what I have? Considering what I was like when I didn't have it, I don't think I can. But how much will it kill me, wanting what I do, but only having what I have?

From Oldest to Poorest

For those who don't know, I sponsor a child. He's about a year and a half old, named Alexander and lives in Paraguay. His birthday's the day after mine, he loves bananas and he has the cutest face. About a week ago, I got the 2011 Christmas catalogue from the company, saying "here's some things that people need, would you buy them one? Or buy one in the name of a friend?". I have no issues with it. In a few years when I can afford more, sure I'll pay an extra bit of money for some toys, an animal or help sanitary conditions. But right now, the $38 a month is the best I can afford.

The question is...why do people need to do this? I'm not asking why do we give money to those who need it, but why do these people not have the necessities? What really gets me is the places that are considered developing and third world countries. And these places are countries like Africa and India, places that are where humans may have first arisen. So, if they were here first, why are they the worse off?

Is it like the situation when there's a new baby in the family? Everyone coos over the new one (North America) and forget about the others (Africa, India). North America was among the last one colonized during the migrations 20,000-40,000 years ago, and when the Europeans came over 500 years ago.

But, people in Africa were, arguably, on the planet first. So again, I ask, why are they the worse off? I don't have an answer. Maybe someone else does? I welcome comments that tell me I'm wrong (I'd prefer it in the form of constructive criticism of course).

Midnight Queries

What brings about feelings of sadness almost randomly? And why do they happen more often at night? Even though I prefer the nighttime, I'm the most lonely then. I don't know why. Maybe because a lot of people are gone to bed. It's at night when I feel most like maybe my medications aren't working.

Why does it feel like something is missing? I don't feel like a whole person. What would make me feel whole? If going away is an option, would I feel better? Would my problems stay here or will they follow me wherever I go?

I feel like I should write more, but I honestly don't know what to say. If anyone has insight on why there appears to be more depression from me at night, I'd appreciate it.