Monday, May 21, 2012
Alone House
I'm currently watching the House series finale. First hour is a reflection on the last eight years, then the finale itself. Therefore, I don't mind blogging while Hugh Laurie is talking.
I have Diablo 3. It's been taking up my life for the past week. I haven't been playing it as intensely as others, but I'm playing. I don't think I've been on World of Warcraft in the week. It's an enjoyable game for those who like this kind of epic fantasy role-playing game.
Still at the house. There's just over a month left. But I think Tom Petty said it best:
Oh yeah I'm alright
I just feel a little lonely tonight
I'm okay, most of the time
I just feel a little lonely tonight
During the day, I'm fine. I'm often not here, out running errands or working. But in the evening, if I don't have plans, or if there's no one I'm seeing...I'm a wreck in the night. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I hate it. A few nights ago I was crying because the most meaningful conversation I had that day was with a 10 year old. Living completely alone is not for me. I need other people. We don't have to get along. We don't have to like each other. We can spend all day locked in our rooms, scheduling meal times so we don't have to talk to each other, but just having someone else there will not make me feel lonely.
I don't always show it, but I'm a social creature. If you know me well enough, you may notice that I'm generally more upbeat and positive when I'm around people. If I'm alone, or feel lonely, that's it. Unfortunately, in that state, I don't want the people. Or rather, I don't want to find people. When I'm that low, I want the people to come to me of their own accord. If I can get talking to people, I may hint that I want company, but maybe I'm not doing such a good job since it doesn't work. At least not right away.
Maybe I'm being complex. Or my mind is a little off. That's why I take medication, to make my mind slightly more normal. Seems to be working. I can get on buses again, which is a big deal.
I miss trains though.
Maybe I should go back to Europe because of the trains.
I'm starting to get random.
House finale episode is coming on. I'm going to watch now.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Pros and cons
First of all, they've changed blogger on me so this is kind of different to look at.
Second, I've been here a while now, and there are definitely some pros and cons to living alone. Let's start with the pros.
Pros
- Independence. I can come and go when I please. I can watch what I want to watch. I can cook what I want to cook. Mind you, I had a lot of this while living at home as well, considering I came and went when I wanted to, having a tv in my room and working slightly off hours so I'd have to cook either a little before or a little after everyone else.
- Privacy. At home, I'd need a towel or bring my clothes into the bathroom to change after a shower. Not so while alone. (Don't judge, you do it too...or you would if living alone.) No, not near windows, just down the hall to the bathroom.
Cons
- Loneliness. There's no one else here. I don't like that. I like knowing there's another person in the house, that if something happens, someone else is here. I don't care if I don't even talk to them, just their presence is enough to make me feel comfortable.
- Coming home. I get off at 6 during the week, 7 on Saturday. I don't get home until about 45 minutes to an hour later, depending on where I am, busing and if I have to get something on my way. I don't get to eat until a while later. Even though I'm used to coming home and cooking my own food, it'd be nice to come home to a meal already cooked for me, or on the way to being cooked.
I don't like the lonely.
Approximately 55 days left.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Adventures in House Sitting
Hello. It's been a while. Sorry about that.
I'm house sitting now. It's interesting to say the least. First of all, I've never been alone before. Not like this. At my house, there's always someone home, particularly in the evening. Now, I have no one. I have electric heat in my house. Here, when I turned up the heat I freaked out because there's a furnace. Little things like that.
I like the independence, of coming and going when I please, making all the decisions, etc. I don't like the loneliness. I feel more comfortable downstairs where the tv is than upstairs. When upstairs, I usually have the radio on. Down here, the tv is on. Maybe because it's more closed in. Maybe because I'm more accustomed to tv than radio. Either way, I'm like a dog in that I do like the noise.
The cat is interesting. He likes to talk to me. He also likes to go outside, come in for a few minutes and want to go again. I usually don't do that and he's learning that. He's also learning that I don't like letting him out when I'm asleep or gone (though today he didn't come in before I left for work. He was here when I came back). His mannerisms amuse me.
I don't like the loneliness. That's the big thing. I'm getting used to spending nights alone, but it doesn't mean I like it. I don't think I'm one for living completely alone. I like having that other person with me. Obviously, I can be alone, but I don't think it's something I want to do full time. I think I'm more of a roommate kind of girl.
I also have to take buses more which is odd to me. I'm not used to not being so non-centrally located. Instead of walking 10 minutes to the grocery store, I have to bus 10 minutes. For now. I'm sure I'll find some method that is more feasible I guess.
That's the update for now.
I'm house sitting now. It's interesting to say the least. First of all, I've never been alone before. Not like this. At my house, there's always someone home, particularly in the evening. Now, I have no one. I have electric heat in my house. Here, when I turned up the heat I freaked out because there's a furnace. Little things like that.
I like the independence, of coming and going when I please, making all the decisions, etc. I don't like the loneliness. I feel more comfortable downstairs where the tv is than upstairs. When upstairs, I usually have the radio on. Down here, the tv is on. Maybe because it's more closed in. Maybe because I'm more accustomed to tv than radio. Either way, I'm like a dog in that I do like the noise.
The cat is interesting. He likes to talk to me. He also likes to go outside, come in for a few minutes and want to go again. I usually don't do that and he's learning that. He's also learning that I don't like letting him out when I'm asleep or gone (though today he didn't come in before I left for work. He was here when I came back). His mannerisms amuse me.
I don't like the loneliness. That's the big thing. I'm getting used to spending nights alone, but it doesn't mean I like it. I don't think I'm one for living completely alone. I like having that other person with me. Obviously, I can be alone, but I don't think it's something I want to do full time. I think I'm more of a roommate kind of girl.
I also have to take buses more which is odd to me. I'm not used to not being so non-centrally located. Instead of walking 10 minutes to the grocery store, I have to bus 10 minutes. For now. I'm sure I'll find some method that is more feasible I guess.
That's the update for now.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Canada: What the hell?
I know I've been a terrible blogger. But I've been gaming...a lot. And sometimes I just don't know what to write. Though sometimes, good ideas come to me in places like the bus or work and I can't write them down. But this time, this needs to come out.
I don't understand what's wrong with the people in my country. We've elected a leader who was previously found in contempt of parliament. This was the first time in Commonwealth history that this happened. Not only was he allowed to run again, but he won the election again. It's the same as being fired from a job, applying for the vacant position, and getting the job back. How the hell does that work?!
I know some people are saying "well, if he was re-elected, someone must have thought he was doing alright." Well, no. Voter turnout was 61.1%. 39% of eligible voters did not vote, which is just too many. About 40% of people didn't say whether they thought Harper was the best person for the job. People are too apathetic when it comes to politics. People over the world fight for their right to chose who should lead them, and citizens of this country just blow that away. Some say they're vote doesn't matter, but the more people say it, the more important each vote does become. That 40% could have drastically changed the way the election turned out. Hopefully they'll decide to vote once they see what this guy has already done in the less than one year he's been in power and what he continues to do.
First of all, the insane crime bill. What the hell is that? It isn't just the opposition who are saying that, but people all over the world! TEXAS looked at our bill and said "been there, done that, it doesn't work, you'll waste money." The government is ignoring it, pretty much saying "this is OUR country, go away". The crime bill increases sentences and builds more prisons at a time when the crime rate is LOW! Lowest it's been in 40 years. So, why are they spending money on something that we don't need. Maybe we do need a few changes, but not to this extent.
Then there's the whole privacy issue. This government got rid of the long-form census because it was an invasion of privacy. This continues to blow my mind as a market researcher. You NEED this information to find out exactly what's going on in your country. However, allowing the police to look at anyone's internet records WITHOUT a warrant is NOT an invasion of privacy. Sure, they say they'll only do it in extenuating circumstances, but what they say they'll do and what they'll actually do are two different things. If they can look at ANYONE, they will. Why? Because they can. So they can monitor everything everyone does, and probably destroy anyone who is not on their side. Can we say dictatorship? I understand they want to crack down on child porn, but there are better ways than putting everyone's privacy at risk. Like I said, with this law, I might be able to be taken down and taken out because I'm bad-mouthing the government. Called Free Speech people. Look it up. Oh right, the Harper Government probably wants to get rid of that too.
Finally, it has come out about call-centers telling people the wrong places to go on voting day. They reply was that it was a mistake. No. One center doing it for one riding is a mistake. However, it effected 39 ridings. Considering there are 308 in Canada, do the math. 39/308 = 12%! There are all sorts of different stories coming out. Google it because I don't have time to say it all. And what are the Conservatives, the ones in power doing? Bashing the other parties. I'm sorry but if you're being accused in a very serious crime, which this is, wouldn't you demand to prove your innocence? Insist on further investigations? They aren't, because they know exactly what people will find.
There is so much more to discuss but I don't have the time. But, Canada, I implore you, wake up! What the hell is going on in my country? This government is making me ashamed to be Canadian right now. And people are just sitting by while the government continues to lie and enforce their backwards rules on us. We need to stand up for this! This isn't Canada anymore. This is Harperland. Unfortunately, it will be for the next 3 years. Hopefully an investigation into the election fraud will be enough to make people finally see what a slimeball Harper really is and enough with the political apathy. Unless the whole country protests, which I wouldn't mind, honestly.
Until then, it's a long 3 years.
(I know this post may seem biased, but it's suppose to be. I can never support a man like Stephen Harper considering everything he has done and will continue to do. I certainly welcome debate, as well as anything that may prove something here false. However, I have researched while posting and as of now, I'm sure my figures are correct. Again, proving me wrong is how I learn. Bring on any debate.)
I don't understand what's wrong with the people in my country. We've elected a leader who was previously found in contempt of parliament. This was the first time in Commonwealth history that this happened. Not only was he allowed to run again, but he won the election again. It's the same as being fired from a job, applying for the vacant position, and getting the job back. How the hell does that work?!
I know some people are saying "well, if he was re-elected, someone must have thought he was doing alright." Well, no. Voter turnout was 61.1%. 39% of eligible voters did not vote, which is just too many. About 40% of people didn't say whether they thought Harper was the best person for the job. People are too apathetic when it comes to politics. People over the world fight for their right to chose who should lead them, and citizens of this country just blow that away. Some say they're vote doesn't matter, but the more people say it, the more important each vote does become. That 40% could have drastically changed the way the election turned out. Hopefully they'll decide to vote once they see what this guy has already done in the less than one year he's been in power and what he continues to do.
First of all, the insane crime bill. What the hell is that? It isn't just the opposition who are saying that, but people all over the world! TEXAS looked at our bill and said "been there, done that, it doesn't work, you'll waste money." The government is ignoring it, pretty much saying "this is OUR country, go away". The crime bill increases sentences and builds more prisons at a time when the crime rate is LOW! Lowest it's been in 40 years. So, why are they spending money on something that we don't need. Maybe we do need a few changes, but not to this extent.
Then there's the whole privacy issue. This government got rid of the long-form census because it was an invasion of privacy. This continues to blow my mind as a market researcher. You NEED this information to find out exactly what's going on in your country. However, allowing the police to look at anyone's internet records WITHOUT a warrant is NOT an invasion of privacy. Sure, they say they'll only do it in extenuating circumstances, but what they say they'll do and what they'll actually do are two different things. If they can look at ANYONE, they will. Why? Because they can. So they can monitor everything everyone does, and probably destroy anyone who is not on their side. Can we say dictatorship? I understand they want to crack down on child porn, but there are better ways than putting everyone's privacy at risk. Like I said, with this law, I might be able to be taken down and taken out because I'm bad-mouthing the government. Called Free Speech people. Look it up. Oh right, the Harper Government probably wants to get rid of that too.
Finally, it has come out about call-centers telling people the wrong places to go on voting day. They reply was that it was a mistake. No. One center doing it for one riding is a mistake. However, it effected 39 ridings. Considering there are 308 in Canada, do the math. 39/308 = 12%! There are all sorts of different stories coming out. Google it because I don't have time to say it all. And what are the Conservatives, the ones in power doing? Bashing the other parties. I'm sorry but if you're being accused in a very serious crime, which this is, wouldn't you demand to prove your innocence? Insist on further investigations? They aren't, because they know exactly what people will find.
There is so much more to discuss but I don't have the time. But, Canada, I implore you, wake up! What the hell is going on in my country? This government is making me ashamed to be Canadian right now. And people are just sitting by while the government continues to lie and enforce their backwards rules on us. We need to stand up for this! This isn't Canada anymore. This is Harperland. Unfortunately, it will be for the next 3 years. Hopefully an investigation into the election fraud will be enough to make people finally see what a slimeball Harper really is and enough with the political apathy. Unless the whole country protests, which I wouldn't mind, honestly.
Until then, it's a long 3 years.
(I know this post may seem biased, but it's suppose to be. I can never support a man like Stephen Harper considering everything he has done and will continue to do. I certainly welcome debate, as well as anything that may prove something here false. However, I have researched while posting and as of now, I'm sure my figures are correct. Again, proving me wrong is how I learn. Bring on any debate.)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Fairy Tale Lives
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, like at work, in the cubicle and just think "really? Is this is it?" and wonder when that thing will come along and turn your mundane life into something extraordinary?
I'm thinking about that scene in the pilot episode of Heroes, when Hiro Nakamura is sitting at his desk at work, staring intently at a clock, willing it to do something. Then, it turns back one second, he jumps up, pumps his fist and screams "YATTA!!". I don't know how many times I've stared out the window at work, on a bus, anywhere and wonder what my super power is. Other times, I wonder if some middle aged man with glasses and British accent will come and tell me I'm a slayer. At this point I'd probably raise an eyebrow, point to myself and say "really? Slay vampires? With THIS body? Seriously?!". Then I'd laugh.
Would still be pretty cool though.
Must be my overactive imagination mixed with my longing for a life other than the one I'm living. Well, most of it anyways.
I've been watching Once Upon a Time. It's a good show, about fairy tale characters trapped in the real world, without realizing who they really are. I liked watching Disney movies as a kid, mostly for the music. I didn't consider myself a Cinderella or Snow White. More like a Belle or Ariel, more of a lonely outcast, wanting another life. Not sure who I'm more like. I have a similar, albeit lighter colour hair as Belle, and I like reading. Ariel...well, I hate the water. Can't swim. So I guess I'm more like Belle. Unless, I really am a fairy tale character and since Ariel so desperately wanted to be in another life and I hate being in water that goes over my head...think about it. Plus, it'd explain why I enjoy having my hair dyed red.
Right. Because television is real. /end sarcasm.
Last episode of Once Upon a Time featured a genie. Like all genies, he could grant wishes. His number was three, with the typical being no life, no death, no love, no wishing for more wishes. So what would I wish for? First thing is easy....enough money to pay off the student loan, credit cards, move out, and a little left over to go see more of Europe that I didn't see. Second wish? I have no idea.
I live in a fantasy world, either in my head or online. I think it's time to go back to the world of Azeroth for a little while.
I'm thinking about that scene in the pilot episode of Heroes, when Hiro Nakamura is sitting at his desk at work, staring intently at a clock, willing it to do something. Then, it turns back one second, he jumps up, pumps his fist and screams "YATTA!!". I don't know how many times I've stared out the window at work, on a bus, anywhere and wonder what my super power is. Other times, I wonder if some middle aged man with glasses and British accent will come and tell me I'm a slayer. At this point I'd probably raise an eyebrow, point to myself and say "really? Slay vampires? With THIS body? Seriously?!". Then I'd laugh.
Would still be pretty cool though.
Must be my overactive imagination mixed with my longing for a life other than the one I'm living. Well, most of it anyways.
I've been watching Once Upon a Time. It's a good show, about fairy tale characters trapped in the real world, without realizing who they really are. I liked watching Disney movies as a kid, mostly for the music. I didn't consider myself a Cinderella or Snow White. More like a Belle or Ariel, more of a lonely outcast, wanting another life. Not sure who I'm more like. I have a similar, albeit lighter colour hair as Belle, and I like reading. Ariel...well, I hate the water. Can't swim. So I guess I'm more like Belle. Unless, I really am a fairy tale character and since Ariel so desperately wanted to be in another life and I hate being in water that goes over my head...think about it. Plus, it'd explain why I enjoy having my hair dyed red.
Right. Because television is real. /end sarcasm.
Last episode of Once Upon a Time featured a genie. Like all genies, he could grant wishes. His number was three, with the typical being no life, no death, no love, no wishing for more wishes. So what would I wish for? First thing is easy....enough money to pay off the student loan, credit cards, move out, and a little left over to go see more of Europe that I didn't see. Second wish? I have no idea.
I live in a fantasy world, either in my head or online. I think it's time to go back to the world of Azeroth for a little while.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The In-Between
The past few weeks, several blog topics have gone through my mind, and I had ever intention of writing them. Of course, I get these great ideas and thoughts when I'm no where near a computer and so I can't write. Today, I have the time, I'm on the computer, and I don't want to write these topics.
Right now, I feel like I'm stuck straddling between what I want and what I have. What I have is fine, but what I want, I can't have. Not right now anyways. Plus, my emotions are playing a huge part in this. If I stay with what I have...well, my emotions would become frustrated. If I leave the situation because I can't have what I want, then I'll be sad because I won't have what I currently have. Compromising between what I want and what I have will probably just complicate things further.
I'm pretty sure I've lost you right now. It makes sense to me, and it might to you if you have an inkling about what this is about.
I know what the logical thing should be. Unfortunately, my head and my heart like to argue, particularly when it comes to this situation. I think the big question is, can I not have what I have? Considering what I was like when I didn't have it, I don't think I can. But how much will it kill me, wanting what I do, but only having what I have?
Right now, I feel like I'm stuck straddling between what I want and what I have. What I have is fine, but what I want, I can't have. Not right now anyways. Plus, my emotions are playing a huge part in this. If I stay with what I have...well, my emotions would become frustrated. If I leave the situation because I can't have what I want, then I'll be sad because I won't have what I currently have. Compromising between what I want and what I have will probably just complicate things further.
I'm pretty sure I've lost you right now. It makes sense to me, and it might to you if you have an inkling about what this is about.
I know what the logical thing should be. Unfortunately, my head and my heart like to argue, particularly when it comes to this situation. I think the big question is, can I not have what I have? Considering what I was like when I didn't have it, I don't think I can. But how much will it kill me, wanting what I do, but only having what I have?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Years Thoughts
Well, here we are again, another year down and another to come. So, I guess it's time for one of those look back at the last year.
I started off the year not long back from an amazing four months in the UK. I miss that place. It was fantastic and there was always something to do. We were busy but there was always something on the weekends. And if you got bored, it's only a train ride to London or to the airport where you can take a cheap plane to anywhere else in Europe. Wish it were like that here. So yeah, I was still on a high from that.
I turned 25 this year. That still boggles my mind. As of now, it feels like every age I turn will make me feel old, even though I won't REALLY be old. I just always thought that at 25, things would be different and I'd be a "real" adult. As of now, not yet.
I graduated university! Bachelor of Education in Primary/Elementary. Yay! After seven years of studying I am finally done. It feels great. Now, the hard part: finding a teaching job.
Made a few lifestyle changes, lost 20 lbs and gain and lose about 5 of them during the year, depends on my stress levels of the week.
Early in the year, I met someone and things were over quicker than we started. Somewhat, anyways. The repercussions of that made me a wreck for most of the summer. I hated myself for what happened, for being a fool and for falling for what I can see in retrospect were lies. I have learned that it wasn't entirely my fault and I am not fully to blame.
Then I met someone else and felt an amazing connection and had a great few weeks. It's over for now, but, despite some peoples objections, we're still talking. Why? I don't know. Maybe neither one of us wants to let go. I can't read his mind. Though if I met someone else, I'll seriously do some thinking and see how it goes.
My ex-boyfriend got married. That depressed me a little. Not because it was my ex-boyfriend, but because it was someone else my age that was taking that huge step. Also, at the time, I was dealing with the depression and mess that the first guy I mentioned left me in. Nothing against my ex. If he's happy, so be it. Good for him.
What else happened this year that was big? Nothing else that I can thing of. Oh! One of my best friends got the help she needed. Even if she had to go away to do it, she did it. I'm so proud of her and will continue to support her throughout all this.
All in all, 2011 had some good times, had some bad times. I'm not where exactly where I want to be in my life, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm ready for what 2012 has to throw at me. The big thing I'm hoping for is days in the classroom, either as a sub or something full time. A few other things I want, but I don't want to mention them. Might jinx it.
2012, bring it on!
I started off the year not long back from an amazing four months in the UK. I miss that place. It was fantastic and there was always something to do. We were busy but there was always something on the weekends. And if you got bored, it's only a train ride to London or to the airport where you can take a cheap plane to anywhere else in Europe. Wish it were like that here. So yeah, I was still on a high from that.
I turned 25 this year. That still boggles my mind. As of now, it feels like every age I turn will make me feel old, even though I won't REALLY be old. I just always thought that at 25, things would be different and I'd be a "real" adult. As of now, not yet.
I graduated university! Bachelor of Education in Primary/Elementary. Yay! After seven years of studying I am finally done. It feels great. Now, the hard part: finding a teaching job.
Made a few lifestyle changes, lost 20 lbs and gain and lose about 5 of them during the year, depends on my stress levels of the week.
Early in the year, I met someone and things were over quicker than we started. Somewhat, anyways. The repercussions of that made me a wreck for most of the summer. I hated myself for what happened, for being a fool and for falling for what I can see in retrospect were lies. I have learned that it wasn't entirely my fault and I am not fully to blame.
Then I met someone else and felt an amazing connection and had a great few weeks. It's over for now, but, despite some peoples objections, we're still talking. Why? I don't know. Maybe neither one of us wants to let go. I can't read his mind. Though if I met someone else, I'll seriously do some thinking and see how it goes.
My ex-boyfriend got married. That depressed me a little. Not because it was my ex-boyfriend, but because it was someone else my age that was taking that huge step. Also, at the time, I was dealing with the depression and mess that the first guy I mentioned left me in. Nothing against my ex. If he's happy, so be it. Good for him.
What else happened this year that was big? Nothing else that I can thing of. Oh! One of my best friends got the help she needed. Even if she had to go away to do it, she did it. I'm so proud of her and will continue to support her throughout all this.
All in all, 2011 had some good times, had some bad times. I'm not where exactly where I want to be in my life, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm ready for what 2012 has to throw at me. The big thing I'm hoping for is days in the classroom, either as a sub or something full time. A few other things I want, but I don't want to mention them. Might jinx it.
2012, bring it on!
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