Alone House

I'm currently watching the House series finale. First hour is a reflection on the last eight years, then the finale itself. Therefore, I don't mind blogging while Hugh Laurie is talking. I have Diablo 3. It's been taking up my life for the past week. I haven't been playing it as intensely as others, but I'm playing. I don't think I've been on World of Warcraft in the week. It's an enjoyable game for those who like this kind of epic fantasy role-playing game. Still at the house. There's just over a month left. But I think Tom Petty said it best: Oh yeah I'm alright I just feel a little lonely tonight I'm okay, most of the time I just feel a little lonely tonight During the day, I'm fine. I'm often not here, out running errands or working. But in the evening, if I don't have plans, or if there's no one I'm seeing...I'm a wreck in the night. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I hate it. A few nights ago I was crying because the most meaningful conversation I had that day was with a 10 year old. Living completely alone is not for me. I need other people. We don't have to get along. We don't have to like each other. We can spend all day locked in our rooms, scheduling meal times so we don't have to talk to each other, but just having someone else there will not make me feel lonely. I don't always show it, but I'm a social creature. If you know me well enough, you may notice that I'm generally more upbeat and positive when I'm around people. If I'm alone, or feel lonely, that's it. Unfortunately, in that state, I don't want the people. Or rather, I don't want to find people. When I'm that low, I want the people to come to me of their own accord. If I can get talking to people, I may hint that I want company, but maybe I'm not doing such a good job since it doesn't work. At least not right away. Maybe I'm being complex. Or my mind is a little off. That's why I take medication, to make my mind slightly more normal. Seems to be working. I can get on buses again, which is a big deal. I miss trains though. Maybe I should go back to Europe because of the trains. I'm starting to get random. House finale episode is coming on. I'm going to watch now.

Pros and cons

First of all, they've changed blogger on me so this is kind of different to look at. Second, I've been here a while now, and there are definitely some pros and cons to living alone. Let's start with the pros. Pros - Independence. I can come and go when I please. I can watch what I want to watch. I can cook what I want to cook. Mind you, I had a lot of this while living at home as well, considering I came and went when I wanted to, having a tv in my room and working slightly off hours so I'd have to cook either a little before or a little after everyone else. - Privacy. At home, I'd need a towel or bring my clothes into the bathroom to change after a shower. Not so while alone. (Don't judge, you do it too...or you would if living alone.) No, not near windows, just down the hall to the bathroom. Cons - Loneliness. There's no one else here. I don't like that. I like knowing there's another person in the house, that if something happens, someone else is here. I don't care if I don't even talk to them, just their presence is enough to make me feel comfortable. - Coming home. I get off at 6 during the week, 7 on Saturday. I don't get home until about 45 minutes to an hour later, depending on where I am, busing and if I have to get something on my way. I don't get to eat until a while later. Even though I'm used to coming home and cooking my own food, it'd be nice to come home to a meal already cooked for me, or on the way to being cooked. I don't like the lonely. Approximately 55 days left.

Adventures in House Sitting

Hello. It's been a while. Sorry about that.

I'm house sitting now. It's interesting to say the least. First of all, I've never been alone before. Not like this. At my house, there's always someone home, particularly in the evening. Now, I have no one. I have electric heat in my house. Here, when I turned up the heat I freaked out because there's a furnace. Little things like that.

I like the independence, of coming and going when I please, making all the decisions, etc. I don't like the loneliness. I feel more comfortable downstairs where the tv is than upstairs. When upstairs, I usually have the radio on. Down here, the tv is on. Maybe because it's more closed in. Maybe because I'm more accustomed to tv than radio. Either way, I'm like a dog in that I do like the noise.

The cat is interesting. He likes to talk to me. He also likes to go outside, come in for a few minutes and want to go again. I usually don't do that and he's learning that. He's also learning that I don't like letting him out when I'm asleep or gone (though today he didn't come in before I left for work. He was here when I came back). His mannerisms amuse me.

I don't like the loneliness. That's the big thing. I'm getting used to spending nights alone, but it doesn't mean I like it. I don't think I'm one for living completely alone. I like having that other person with me. Obviously, I can be alone, but I don't think it's something I want to do full time. I think I'm more of a roommate kind of girl.

I also have to take buses more which is odd to me. I'm not used to not being so non-centrally located. Instead of walking 10 minutes to the grocery store, I have to bus 10 minutes. For now. I'm sure I'll find some method that is more feasible I guess.

That's the update for now.

Canada: What the hell?

I know I've been a terrible blogger. But I've been gaming...a lot. And sometimes I just don't know what to write. Though sometimes, good ideas come to me in places like the bus or work and I can't write them down. But this time, this needs to come out.

I don't understand what's wrong with the people in my country. We've elected a leader who was previously found in contempt of parliament. This was the first time in Commonwealth history that this happened. Not only was he allowed to run again, but he won the election again. It's the same as being fired from a job, applying for the vacant position, and getting the job back. How the hell does that work?!

I know some people are saying "well, if he was re-elected, someone must have thought he was doing alright." Well, no. Voter turnout was 61.1%. 39% of eligible voters did not vote, which is just too many. About 40% of people didn't say whether they thought Harper was the best person for the job. People are too apathetic when it comes to politics. People over the world fight for their right to chose who should lead them, and citizens of this country just blow that away. Some say they're vote doesn't matter, but the more people say it, the more important each vote does become. That 40% could have drastically changed the way the election turned out. Hopefully they'll decide to vote once they see what this guy has already done in the less than one year he's been in power and what he continues to do.

First of all, the insane crime bill. What the hell is that? It isn't just the opposition who are saying that, but people all over the world! TEXAS looked at our bill and said "been there, done that, it doesn't work, you'll waste money." The government is ignoring it, pretty much saying "this is OUR country, go away". The crime bill increases sentences and builds more prisons at a time when the crime rate is LOW! Lowest it's been in 40 years. So, why are they spending money on something that we don't need. Maybe we do need a few changes, but not to this extent.

Then there's the whole privacy issue. This government got rid of the long-form census because it was an invasion of privacy. This continues to blow my mind as a market researcher. You NEED this information to find out exactly what's going on in your country. However, allowing the police to look at anyone's internet records WITHOUT a warrant is NOT an invasion of privacy. Sure, they say they'll only do it in extenuating circumstances, but what they say they'll do and what they'll actually do are two different things. If they can look at ANYONE, they will. Why? Because they can. So they can monitor everything everyone does, and probably destroy anyone who is not on their side. Can we say dictatorship? I understand they want to crack down on child porn, but there are better ways than putting everyone's privacy at risk. Like I said, with this law, I might be able to be taken down and taken out because I'm bad-mouthing the government. Called Free Speech people. Look it up. Oh right, the Harper Government probably wants to get rid of that too.

Finally, it has come out about call-centers telling people the wrong places to go on voting day. They reply was that it was a mistake. No. One center doing it for one riding is a mistake. However, it effected 39 ridings. Considering there are 308 in Canada, do the math. 39/308 = 12%! There are all sorts of different stories coming out. Google it because I don't have time to say it all. And what are the Conservatives, the ones in power doing? Bashing the other parties. I'm sorry but if you're being accused in a very serious crime, which this is, wouldn't you demand to prove your innocence? Insist on further investigations? They aren't, because they know exactly what people will find.

There is so much more to discuss but I don't have the time. But, Canada, I implore you, wake up! What the hell is going on in my country? This government is making me ashamed to be Canadian right now. And people are just sitting by while the government continues to lie and enforce their backwards rules on us. We need to stand up for this! This isn't Canada anymore. This is Harperland. Unfortunately, it will be for the next 3 years. Hopefully an investigation into the election fraud will be enough to make people finally see what a slimeball Harper really is and enough with the political apathy. Unless the whole country protests, which I wouldn't mind, honestly.

Until then, it's a long 3 years.

(I know this post may seem biased, but it's suppose to be. I can never support a man like Stephen Harper considering everything he has done and will continue to do. I certainly welcome debate, as well as anything that may prove something here false. However, I have researched while posting and as of now, I'm sure my figures are correct. Again, proving me wrong is how I learn. Bring on any debate.)

Fairy Tale Lives

Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, like at work, in the cubicle and just think "really? Is this is it?" and wonder when that thing will come along and turn your mundane life into something extraordinary?

I'm thinking about that scene in the pilot episode of Heroes, when Hiro Nakamura is sitting at his desk at work, staring intently at a clock, willing it to do something. Then, it turns back one second, he jumps up, pumps his fist and screams "YATTA!!". I don't know how many times I've stared out the window at work, on a bus, anywhere and wonder what my super power is. Other times, I wonder if some middle aged man with glasses and British accent will come and tell me I'm a slayer. At this point I'd probably raise an eyebrow, point to myself and say "really? Slay vampires? With THIS body? Seriously?!". Then I'd laugh.

Would still be pretty cool though.

Must be my overactive imagination mixed with my longing for a life other than the one I'm living. Well, most of it anyways.

I've been watching Once Upon a Time. It's a good show, about fairy tale characters trapped in the real world, without realizing who they really are. I liked watching Disney movies as a kid, mostly for the music. I didn't consider myself a Cinderella or Snow White. More like a Belle or Ariel, more of a lonely outcast, wanting another life. Not sure who I'm more like. I have a similar, albeit lighter colour hair as Belle, and I like reading. Ariel...well, I hate the water. Can't swim. So I guess I'm more like Belle. Unless, I really am a fairy tale character and since Ariel so desperately wanted to be in another life and I hate being in water that goes over my head...think about it. Plus, it'd explain why I enjoy having my hair dyed red.

Right. Because television is real. /end sarcasm.

Last episode of Once Upon a Time featured a genie. Like all genies, he could grant wishes. His number was three, with the typical being no life, no death, no love, no wishing for more wishes. So what would I wish for? First thing is easy....enough money to pay off the student loan, credit cards, move out, and a little left over to go see more of Europe that I didn't see. Second wish? I have no idea.

I live in a fantasy world, either in my head or online. I think it's time to go back to the world of Azeroth for a little while.

The In-Between

The past few weeks, several blog topics have gone through my mind, and I had ever intention of writing them. Of course, I get these great ideas and thoughts when I'm no where near a computer and so I can't write. Today, I have the time, I'm on the computer, and I don't want to write these topics.

Right now, I feel like I'm stuck straddling between what I want and what I have. What I have is fine, but what I want, I can't have. Not right now anyways. Plus, my emotions are playing a huge part in this. If I stay with what I have...well, my emotions would become frustrated. If I leave the situation because I can't have what I want, then I'll be sad because I won't have what I currently have. Compromising between what I want and what I have will probably just complicate things further.

I'm pretty sure I've lost you right now. It makes sense to me, and it might to you if you have an inkling about what this is about.

I know what the logical thing should be. Unfortunately, my head and my heart like to argue, particularly when it comes to this situation. I think the big question is, can I not have what I have? Considering what I was like when I didn't have it, I don't think I can. But how much will it kill me, wanting what I do, but only having what I have?

New Years Thoughts

Well, here we are again, another year down and another to come. So, I guess it's time for one of those look back at the last year.

I started off the year not long back from an amazing four months in the UK. I miss that place. It was fantastic and there was always something to do. We were busy but there was always something on the weekends. And if you got bored, it's only a train ride to London or to the airport where you can take a cheap plane to anywhere else in Europe. Wish it were like that here. So yeah, I was still on a high from that.

I turned 25 this year. That still boggles my mind. As of now, it feels like every age I turn will make me feel old, even though I won't REALLY be old. I just always thought that at 25, things would be different and I'd be a "real" adult. As of now, not yet.

I graduated university! Bachelor of Education in Primary/Elementary. Yay! After seven years of studying I am finally done. It feels great. Now, the hard part: finding a teaching job.

Made a few lifestyle changes, lost 20 lbs and gain and lose about 5 of them during the year, depends on my stress levels of the week.

Early in the year, I met someone and things were over quicker than we started. Somewhat, anyways. The repercussions of that made me a wreck for most of the summer. I hated myself for what happened, for being a fool and for falling for what I can see in retrospect were lies. I have learned that it wasn't entirely my fault and I am not fully to blame.

Then I met someone else and felt an amazing connection and had a great few weeks. It's over for now, but, despite some peoples objections, we're still talking. Why? I don't know. Maybe neither one of us wants to let go. I can't read his mind. Though if I met someone else, I'll seriously do some thinking and see how it goes.

My ex-boyfriend got married. That depressed me a little. Not because it was my ex-boyfriend, but because it was someone else my age that was taking that huge step. Also, at the time, I was dealing with the depression and mess that the first guy I mentioned left me in. Nothing against my ex. If he's happy, so be it. Good for him.

What else happened this year that was big? Nothing else that I can thing of. Oh! One of my best friends got the help she needed. Even if she had to go away to do it, she did it. I'm so proud of her and will continue to support her throughout all this.

All in all, 2011 had some good times, had some bad times. I'm not where exactly where I want to be in my life, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm ready for what 2012 has to throw at me. The big thing I'm hoping for is days in the classroom, either as a sub or something full time. A few other things I want, but I don't want to mention them. Might jinx it.

2012, bring it on!

Christmas Woes

Today, the world seems like it's turned upside down. There are too many things happening that that shouldn't be happening, or not happening that should happen. I have too many friends who are going through crises or not very good situations. Right now, I'm at the point where I wonder if anything will be normal again.

I want to be able to not worry about what I eat, if it'll cause pain later on, either in my stomach or in the heartburn regions. Even if I don't eat, I'm in pain.

I want my friends and their families to get through their situations with everyone healthy and ok.

Last night, I was told something that, while not unexpected, was not something I wanted to hear. This is twice. I don't know what I want with that.

I've had a UTI last week and my anxiety was increasing. It seems to be level again now, but still.

This time of year hasn't been easy in the past few years. It looks like this year will be similar.

Anyone remember what a normal Christmas is like?

A religious military?

I was born and raised Christian. I have no problems with admitting that. I go to church every Sunday and have no problems with that as well. However, I'm also very familiar with other major religions in the world, having read various texts from some of them, taken classes in other religions at university and making friends with people of various religions. I'm proud to admit that I know people of Jewish, Hindu and Muslim backgrounds, and yes, they are all nice, wonderful people. Even after my studying, I have come to incorporate some beliefs from other religions into my own. (What these are and how they all fit together is another story for another blog entry.) Whether or not this still makes me Christian, I don't know.

With that said, hearing something like this makes me facepalm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAJNntoRgA&feature=youtu.be

His exact words are "there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military..."

Wait, what?!

Can someone please explain to me what's wrong with open gays in the military? If someone wanted to serve their country in this way (I wouldn't be able to do it), why can't they? If someone can physically and mentally handle the pressure that this job requires, why does it matter who they're sharing their bed with?

This same goes for marriage. I've heard people say that if you say you can marry whoever you want, then you're allowing for people to marry animals, things, even adults to children. No. That's not what it is. I see no reason for marriage to be defined as a binding between TWO CONSENSUAL ADULTS. Simple as that. You can't work around that and have a man marry a tree or a woman marry a cow. The tree and cow, while they may be adults in their species, can not consent to it.

In his ad, Rick Perry states that children can't celebrate Christmas in the classroom. I, personally, haven't seen this, but I haven't been in an American classroom. As an educator, I have to (or I will once someone hires me) guide my students to succeed in the world. That includes being socially intelligent and knowing how to interact with people. For many people in the world (not so much over on this continent, but definitely in others), their religion is a huge part of who they are. Even knowing what kind of dietary restrictions people have is a help! If they're having a dinner party and inviting a Hindu and a Jew, beef and pork dishes probably aren't going to work! You might also want to make sure that your dinner party doesn't fall on a day like Rosh Hashanah or Diwali or that it starts after sunset if it's Ramadan if you're inviting a Muslim.

So, in a classroom, by all means talk about Christmas. It's part of the culture and, most likely, at least in Newfoundland, the dominant religion of the students. But talk about the other religions as well. Students will learn much more if you actually teach something rather than nothing.

I think Homer Simpson (yes, Homer Simpson) said it best:

"Because in the end, aren't all religions the same? They tell us what to eat, when to pray, that this lump of clay called Man can somehow shape himself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that perfect grace if we have hatred in our hearts. So let us celebrate our commonalities. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all eat chicken."

I think that last part says so much more than just what we eat.

And for once, my blog entry has come around more-or-less full circle.

Snow Snow Go Away

As we grow up, we have a tendency to grow out of things. I like to think I still have some of those childhood likes still inside, particularly enjoying the Saturday morning cartoons of my day, eating Kraft Dinner and playing video games. I have found that I no longer like Chef Boyardee though.

As a child, I loved snow. The idea of a snow day was the dream of every student. Now, snow days just bring about days of shoveling and lost money due to work being cancelled. When you're a child, you can bundle up, go outside, make a snow fort, snowman and throw snowballs (obviously, you'd be behind your fort, the snowmen are the guards and you hurl the arsenal of snowballs at the fort across the way). I wish I could still do this. Maybe if I had someone to do it with.

And remember Crazy Carpets? Those insane things to go sliding down that I think are banned around the world because they were dangerous (though I never knew anyone who hurt themselves on one)? Sliding down those were awesome!

As an adult, there is still the shoveling, walking in the middle of the road because sidewalks aren't cleared, having snow and wind blowing in your face, having the snow turn to slush when it starts melting...cold hands, feets, noses and other body parts.

Snow was much more fun as a child. I could see it in the neighbourhood kids playing on their day off while I was trying to shovel off the steps and ramp. It wasn't fun for me this afternoon. I have probably outgrown snow. That, or I'm just looking at the world through jaded eyes these last few days. I don't know if "jaded" is the best word right now, but it sounds better than depressive eyes.

From Oldest to Poorest

For those who don't know, I sponsor a child. He's about a year and a half old, named Alexander and lives in Paraguay. His birthday's the day after mine, he loves bananas and he has the cutest face. About a week ago, I got the 2011 Christmas catalogue from the company, saying "here's some things that people need, would you buy them one? Or buy one in the name of a friend?". I have no issues with it. In a few years when I can afford more, sure I'll pay an extra bit of money for some toys, an animal or help sanitary conditions. But right now, the $38 a month is the best I can afford.

The question is...why do people need to do this? I'm not asking why do we give money to those who need it, but why do these people not have the necessities? What really gets me is the places that are considered developing and third world countries. And these places are countries like Africa and India, places that are where humans may have first arisen. So, if they were here first, why are they the worse off?

Is it like the situation when there's a new baby in the family? Everyone coos over the new one (North America) and forget about the others (Africa, India). North America was among the last one colonized during the migrations 20,000-40,000 years ago, and when the Europeans came over 500 years ago.

But, people in Africa were, arguably, on the planet first. So again, I ask, why are they the worse off? I don't have an answer. Maybe someone else does? I welcome comments that tell me I'm wrong (I'd prefer it in the form of constructive criticism of course).

The Almighty Forward

I love my mother. I do. She annoys me, pisses me off, sometimes forget I'm an adult, but she's my mommy. However, there are some things she just doesn't get.

I don't like email forwards. No, that's a lie. I don't like most email forwards. Those with funny pictures/captions or a really good joke, feel free to send them on my way. I will mostly likely enjoy those. But anything with a preachy message or telling me that if I send it to 10 friends, jump up and down and stand on my head for 3 minutes, my soul mates name will magically appear on my screen? No. That's a waste of my time, and yours by sending it to me. (Funny, misspelled captions of cats is not a waste because they amuse me.)

Mother has been informed several times of the email forwards I don't wish to receive. And yet, some seem to slip past and I get it. This time, it was one from Ben Stein, talking about how, as a Jew, he's not offended by the Christmas thing because that's Christmas, a Christian holiday and he's Jewish. Fine. I'll buy that. But the email goes on about how things got messed up since taking the bible out of schools.

And that's where I draw the line, click ctrl+t and do a Google search.

Yes, Ben Stein did say things like that...5 years ago. The rest of it was just added on by some idiot. Reading the whole thing, top to bottom doesn't make sense. For example, why would someone who's Jewish blame the problems with the Bible being taken out of the classrooms?

Once again, I explain to mother why this does not fall into the category of emails I like to receive. She said that it was religious and I'm religious and therefore might enjoy. Facepalm. No. I did my focus area in Religious Education so that I can learn more about the various religions of the world and place that knowledge into other students heads so they don't grow up to be prejudice to any religion. I'm the kind who would want, not just the Christian Bible, but the Torah, the Qur'an, the Bhagavad Gita, among others, in my classroom. Then I remember I'm a Primary/Elementary educator and the age may not be able to comprehend. Excerpts then! Or at least common ideas found in most/all religions.

Long story short, if you have an email forward and you're not sure if I'd like it, don't send it. If it says that I'll find out my date of death or children's names, I don't want it. If it has a picture like this:

Please do forward.

Confidence Fleeting

Confidence. We all know what it is and we all have some to a certain extent. However, I frequently lack the confidence where I should have it. Example. I have a small solo in church next Sunday evening. That's fine. However, even though I know that I know this piece, I freak out. We had to sing it without music and I just...panicked. But I know the part. Or at least I think do. See? Lack of confidence.

Even at work and various jobs I've done. I start at the bottom rung, and I stay there, despite sometimes not being happy with the way things are done and often quickly learning about how things work a bit higher up. But I never go for a higher position, even though I love having power. Why? Because I don't have the confidence in myself to do it. I feel like I won't be good enough to move forward. So I stay where I am because I know I can do this. If the opportunity came up to move up in a job, it'll take a lot of convincing for me to take this opportunity.

Just saying.

And there's the opposite sex. Confidence in that? Well...that's a no-brainer.

Though I have no idea why I have the confidence in posting my various thoughts online where anyone can read them. Possibly because I seriously don't know who half the readers are. But that's the way it is.

Also, just a notice. The word "confidence" means to have faith in yourself or something else. But "confidential" means to keep something secret. Any linguists out there want to tell me how these two similar words mean something different? /nerdiness.

This is Halloween

Today is Halloween, despite what the weather is like outside in my corner of the world. Rain, cold, windy and about 3 degrees Celsius (37 Fahrenheit). We might get kids come to the door. If not, more chips for me. I will be wearing my witch dress to work, which people will either like or have nightmares about, depending on your persuasion.

Either way, since it's Halloween, a night people associate with ghosts, zombies, witches and all things dead, there are people who are against, mostly heavily Christian people (please note, I'm not saying heavily Christian people are anti-Halloween, just that most people who are anti-Halloween are heavily Christian). I don't care if someone is heavily religious. I'd just like it if you had a little background information before belittling other people's beliefs.

Of course Halloween has Pagan influences, but so does other Christian holidays. Many elements of the Christmas story most Christians known are also seen in Pagan and pre-Christian mythology. Easter also has Pagan roots. Google Eostre and see. So why single out Halloween? My guess would be that it's more open. However, people who note Halloween for it's Paganism seem to forget that it has Christian origins as well, that it's called All Hallows Eve, the day before All Hallows, or All Saints.

I guess people just like to use different bits of information for their own personal reasons without looking at the whole picture. I like to think I see more of the big picture, but I could be wrong. I just know that I suck at writing conclusions and bringing things all together (really, you should see some papers I've had to write...conclusions frequently the weak part). But, I think my point here is clear enough that I don't need one. If I do, let me know.

Caped Questions

The following as been running around my head for a while, and it needs to come out in blog form.

Why do some superheros wear capes? Obviously, not all of them do.

At first, I thought it was to help with flying, as some sort of wind resistance. Superman flies, Superman wears a cape. Same with Storm, Underdog and Magneto. However, Green Lantern flies, he has no cape. Iron Man flies, no cape. Human Torch as well. Wonder Woman seems to have both cape and no cape forms.

It's possible that the cape is used because those without the cape can fly without it.

Though that doesn't explain why Batman, the Caped Crusader, has a cape! No, wait, the cape makes him look more like a bat. But then why does Dr.Doom wear a cape? To my knowledge, he does not fly.

Of course, there's the argument used in The Watchmen and The Incredibles which says that capes are deathtraps, getting caught in doors, elevators, jet turbines and so on.

So...what is the point of the Superhero Cape? It doesn't aid in flying if not everyone needs it, and some who wear it don't use it for flying.

I guess the only real reason for the cape, it looks cool.

Family Differences

It's amusing how different people manifest their anxieties, even in my own house. With me, it's all physical. You know I'm anxious when you can see me like Marge here:

I may also be experiencing a panic attack, or freaking out over any physical ailment I'm experiencing.

My brother on the other hand, he's borderline OCD. He's constantly washing his hands, will usually only eat food prepared by himself or by mom in the way that it has always been prepared. For example, Mom makes spaghetti, he's fine. I make spaghetti, no way.

We're both hypochondriacs of course. One of the most common symptoms of Wellbutrin is numbness, tingling, pins and needles in extremities. So, usually tinglings in my arms and fingers. Throw in some heartburn, and I immediately think I'm having a heart attack. It usually takes someone talking me down from it. My brother is also a hypochondriac but I can't give examples for him.

However, my mom is anticipating the phone call from one of us in the future that goes, "MOM!! The baby coughed! Should I take him to the doctor?! Is he going to be ok?!?!".

But I guess the differences in anxiety are due to various things, such as slightly different genetics, slightly different upbringing (the fact he's a male and younger than me shows that). Either way, we both have anxiety issues.

However, I'm more willing to admit it than him.

I don't remember

I've officially been off the pristiq for a week now. The side effects from the withdrawal are more or less gone but there's still some while the wellbutrin is working its way into my system. However, the main one now is feeling like small electric shocks not long before having to take my medication again.

I'll get by, I guess.

This whole thing has made me glad I haven't been called into any schools this past week or so since I was not mentally there at all. Now, I'd like it if the phone rang.

There was something I wanted to write, I know that, but I don't remember what it was. If I remember, I'll write it down.

Side Effects Update

I guess this is my second full day of the pill switch. Here's an update:

- Sleep. I must have spent at least 10 hours in bed last night/this morning and then dozed this afternoon. I don't know if this is withdrawal or new medication.

- Nausea. Worse than yesterday. I can barely sit up straight (I'm currently lounging on the couch at a 45 degree angle. Any higher and I feel like throwing up).

- Head stuff. Mind is not so foggy today and the light headedness comes and go.

- Crying jags. That started today. First, when I tried to explain why I wasn't going to work. Then when I realized I couldn't eat the bananas since they're for baking. Then when I told the cat there wasn't another cat outside.

Appetite is fine though. And my mood is stable...ish. As much as it can be dealing with the side effects. It's mostly the nausea and head that keeps me from work tonight. Hopefully I can make it tomorrow.

Withdrawaling TIme

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and told him about everything that was going on. He gave me a new medication and told me to get off the other. So I'm off Pristiq and on Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a lot of withdrawal symptoms. Right now I'm dealing with:

- nausea. Not fun at all.

- light-headedness/dizziness. Also not fun. It makes me want to do nothing. This is probably the worst part.

- foggy head/loss of concentration. I hate these because it's....the proof is I can't find the word to describe it.

My mood hasn't changed. I guess that's ok.

Hopefully the new drug will take over soon while I deal with this withdrawal stuff.

In the meantime, I think I should at least lie down for a while, even though it's 12:30 in the morning.

I'm told it takes about 7 days to get over this "detox". This is gonna be a long seven days.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving here in Canada. Not sure why we have it earlier than Americans. it might have to do with it being colder so we have to harvest earlier. I honestly have no idea. Either way, I get turkey this weekend.

Despite the yummy eating, it's a time to be thankful for various things. I'm not sure what to say for that. I could say I have my health, but I have this new stomach/acid/gassy thing which is not fun. I have friends, that's not something everyone can say. I do have a job. It's not what I want to do with my life but it's something legal that makes money. In this economy, you do what you can.

I don't think I have my mind, which is a terrible thing to say. Have a very quick....thing with someone, my heart and pride shattered, leading to a depression that I haven't found my way fully out of. I feel like I've peaked with my medication and I'm not where I used to be. Disturbing images pop in my head again periodically. The biggest thing? The car-related anxiety attacks are returning. The first one was back in April, but it was an isolated incident, or so I thought. Then I had a few on the bus. In the past few weeks, about half the time I get in a car, I'd feel one coming. I do everything I can do to avoid them: I read, I talk, I play with the phone, I do some combination of all the above. I don't know why the attacks are coming back and I don't like it.

I have every plan to tell the doctor when I see him in two weeks. It might even get me in to see a psychiatrist quicker.