Changes

As mentioned before, I've wondered if moving away would be a solution to my problems. The jury's still out on that. But there has been something that has been on my mind lately. I think it has to do with the fact that I walk past this section several times a day at Wal-Mart.

I want new things.

Particularly house/bedroom things.

I want to buy these bed-in-a-bag things, get new shelves, dressers, etc and get rid of my old ones.

I have a lot of my sisters things in my room. Combined with the things that haven't changed in their since the beginning of time, it looks like a 12 year old lives there instead of a 25 year old. I don't want any of this furniture any more.

And I'm tired of that pale blue paint on my walls. I want something bolder. Bright reds or dark greens. Something that says this is my room.

I just need money.

Gender Wars

In my one week at Wal-Mart, I've seen some various things that made me question various parenting skills. For example, why do parents let their children run amok in the store? Don't they realize that it can make you seem like you can't control your child, having them run around like crazy, making a huge mess? It's not fun for US either. We have to waste time cleaning everything up.

Another thing is how gendered parents continue to be in this day and age. Every day, I hear parents telling their child that they "don't want this, this is for boys!" or that they need to move along because "these are girls toys". Is there something wrong here? Why are some toys more appropriate for boys and some are appropriate for girls? And then there's the double standard! If a girl wants to play with Legos, that's ok. Of course, they're encouraged to buy the Legos that come in the pink box as opposed to the blue. But it seems like all hell breaks loose if a boy wants to play with a doll.

I say, let them. Why should we discourage part of our children's development and not discover their full potential? A girl playing with a Lego set might be the first step for her to become an architect or a civil engineer. A boy who wants to play with a ballerina Barbie may become a world renowned dancer. Playing with the Easy-Bake Ovens might be the first step for a young boy to be a famous chef. But if we don't let a child play with a certain toy because of the colour of the box, then we'll never know.

Today, I saw a parent willing to but her daughter in danger because there were no bike helmets "for a little girl" (her exact words) left in that size. She was seriously considering putting her child in a helmet that was too big because it was purple with flowers rather than buying the right size helmet that was blue and had aliens on it. I don't understand that one.

When I have a child, boy or girl, I can't see myself limiting their options of play things. If my little girl tries dinkies and transformers and doesn't like them, so be it. I won't force her. If my little boy wants to play with the kitchen set, so be it. If he wants to play cook, whatever! It makes him happy. I'll let my little girl play in the dirt too. I know I played in the dirt.

I'm not saying that girl toys and boy toys are bad. I'm saying give your child all the options available. Let your girl play in the dirt and then play with some dolls. Let the boy play dress up and then break out the Transformers. If you don't offer your child all there is to offer, regardless of gender, how can they truly live up to their full potential?

Midnight Queries

What brings about feelings of sadness almost randomly? And why do they happen more often at night? Even though I prefer the nighttime, I'm the most lonely then. I don't know why. Maybe because a lot of people are gone to bed. It's at night when I feel most like maybe my medications aren't working.

Why does it feel like something is missing? I don't feel like a whole person. What would make me feel whole? If going away is an option, would I feel better? Would my problems stay here or will they follow me wherever I go?

I feel like I should write more, but I honestly don't know what to say. If anyone has insight on why there appears to be more depression from me at night, I'd appreciate it.

Working Girl

I have heard from the various doctors/hospitals. I've been referred to a long-term clinic. My doctor said I should hear from them in three weeks. A letter from Eastern Health (the board of health) said it can take up to a year.

I don't know if I can survive a year. So hopefully I'll hear soon.

Wal-mart is ok so far. There's a lot of breaks! Like most jobs, when it goes fast, it goes fast. I still feel a little uncertain though, based on different things like when people ask me where things are. I know the general area, which section, but these people want me to pick it up and give it to them, basically.

And then cleaning up the area, which is what you always have to do, can be annoying because people pick up things and lay them down in random places. But whatever.

I don't know what'll happen with the other job because I don't want to leave there and I'll work both if I can. I'll know soon I guess.

Just...Sad

I went to Chapters today. I wanted to pick up Book Two of A Song of Ice and Fire. I'll soon be done the first book and I wanted to get the second one while I still had money. I didn't stay as long as I wanted to. First of all, the battery in my mp3 player was dying and I hate being somewhere without music to listen to. Second of all, during my wandering, I somehow ended up in the Sex and Relationship section. The title of a book made me stop. It was called "It's Not Him. It's You." The second I saw that, the tears welled up and I had to leave, not just that section, but the entire store. I paid for my A Clash of Kings (that's the 2nd book) and left before I started crying.

In my opinion, the jury is still out on if it's the him's in my life or if it's me or if it's some combination of both. Most likely it's the combinations. And I know that I shouldn't but I do miss someone that I shouldn't be missing. I don't think I've seen him in over a month, barely words exchanged since then. But still.

I have very unhealthy relationships.

I'm not sure what it is, but I want to cry but can't.

I see my doctor this week. Hopefully, he'll have news about the psychiatrist.

Borrowed Energy

As most people know, I have good days and bad days. And today, it wasn't a good day. I don't really know why, but it wasn't. I just...didn't feel good. Maybe it's because I felt good yesterday. Too good. Like I had to borrow the good from another day to make up for it.

Yesterday, or rather, at midnight, was the premiere of the final Harry Potter movie, so my friend and I went. I haven't went to a midnight showing so it was exciting. And yes, we were there at 6:30, despite the show not starting until midnight. But a former classmate was in front of us and some pretty awesome people were behind us. One of them was a dead ringer for Eliza Dushku (Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

We got in the theatre before 10, and we had a trivia contest. We were told there was no prizes and you'd just get the glory for knowing the most about Harry Potter. I got an answer right (actually my hand was raised before the question was even finished being asked. I was going up there) so I got to go to the front for an elimination round. I'd get very excited when I knew an answer even when it wasn't my question. I managed to make it to the final two with....the Eliza clone! It was exciting and intense but in the end, after several questions we either both got right or both got wrong, I won. And then he gave me a Snape poster because I said Snape was my favourite character.

And then the movie started. I laughed. I cheered as some villains died and heroes did some of their memorable lines and actions did from the books (Molly Weasley and Neville Longbottom are big examples here. If you know what I'm talking about, you know). I cried when a character died and we got to see their flashback memories. Again, if you've read the book, you know who I'm talking about.

But with all the excitement from yesterday...today was just a drag. It felt long and slow at the same time, my mood has been low for most of the day. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes to see if I've borrowed anymore energy.

Oh, and I got a new job. I now work in the toy department of Wal-Mart.

Small Update

I haven't really posted much this weekend. Not really sure what to say. Other than me getting a job interview for a clothing store. I told them I can work anytime, but if I want to stay where I am, I'll have to tell them to I only want to work in the day. After I start, of course. Besides, working there, I'd get a discount on clothing. They have a lot of teacher friendly clothes there.

Other than that, I just kinda...go through life. I just do what I have to do. That, and lose myself in World of Warcraft. It's easy for me since I don't have to do much thinking, much work. I follow the map to my quests, press buttons, things die and I get a reward. But I have no feeling for it. It just kinda happens.

And I'm reading A Song of Ice and Fire series. You may also know it as A Game of Thrones which is just the first book in the series. I'm not that far into it, but it's good so far. And I've been doing a good job at not reading spoilers.

I guess that's it for now.

The Kitties

I don't care who you are and what you say; cats are smart. At least mine are. They always have been. First, we've had Ginger who would know when we'd have to get up, go to bed and come home from school. Things changed when we went to junior high school because we started coming home at different times due to after school activities, staying up late, sleeping in, etc. But she always knew when you were sick and would lie down with you the whole time. And she knew when there was going to be grated cheese in the kitchen.

Now we have Bob. He's also smart but...he can be a little slow. For example, he knows ways to sneak outside, like hiding in the laundry basket. However, he doesn't realize that we can SEE him in the laundry basket. He also knows that cameras take pictures and he usually watches the camera, posing, waiting for the flash.

Bella is one of the smartest cats I've ever met. In fact, she talks with us. She understands what we're saying and attempts to communicate with us. Her meows even have different intonations and we can tell her mood. We know when she's happy, mad, sad, and even has matching facial expressions. While most cats can be "tricked" with treats, she can't. She knows we want something and is wary about getting treats for no particularly reasons. Last year, I used to let her out when I came home from work at 4pm. She continued looking to get out at 4pm during my days off and for a short while after I left for England. Like Ginger, she knows when bedtime is and will tell us so if we're up late.

She's also very skittish. In fact, she has a new hiding spot in the house somewhere so that we can't find her.

They also know that I've been depressed lately. They won't let me sleep without one of them. One of them will cuddle with me when I go to bed and usually leave while I drift off. When I wake up, one of them (sometimes the same one, sometimes the other one) will come and cuddle for a few minutes before I get up.

It's like they know I need hugs.

I knew something was up

If you want proof of my depression, I have it.

I love manly men. I mean really masculine, dripping with testosterone. Take me to a hockey game, and the smell of the testosterone in the air is fantastic. Great muscles, dripping in sweat...love it. Right now, there are construction workers across the street. They've been redoing the windows, outside siding and roofs to the houses.

I don't care.

I've seen them, in their tank tops, sweating and muscles rippling as they climb the scaffolding, hammering things in. And I don't care. There's nothing there.

In the meantime, I got a call from the hospital today. Apparently, the team decided that I am not short-term, and that I need more long-term care. They've recommended me for a referral to a psychologist AND a psychiatrist at another clinic. I hope it doesn't cost me money because I honestly can't afford it.

The hospital faxed my doctor the information over a week ago. When I saw him Monday, he said he had didn't hear from them and that he usually doesn't. This is going to be interesting when I ask him about it. But if he didn't get it, I was told the hospital can track it and send it again.

Anyways, that's all for me now. Hopefully I'll hear something more from them soon.

Tired

I'm not doing so well today.

I've been tired all day.

I felt time go slow and quickly at the same time.

My stomach has been hurting most of the day.

I've been sighing a lot, which I was told once is a major sign of depression.

I've been eating for comfort, meaning I eat when I feel it and not always the best food. I'm pretty sure I've gained back 5 of the 20lbs I've lost.

I'm just tired of all this. I want this to all go away. I don't even know when I'll have an appointment. I called them, they didn't answer. I left a message and they didn't reply. So now, I don't know.

Summer Nights

One of the nice things about summer is that I can come out on the deck at midnight and use my laptop, which is what I'm currently doing. Usually, no one else is around, unless it's a weekend and there's a party somewhere nearby. It's quiet, cool and dark. My house is often loud, warm and bright. But, being in the middle of a set of row/townhouses, it gets warm very easily.

It's good for the laptop too. She's getting almost three years old, and her fan (among other things) doesn't work as well as it used to. Overheating is common, so getting her out into the cool air is great. Even though it's dark, I've spent enough time on the computer to know where the keys are, so typing isn't a problem. Unfortunately, as mentioned, the old girl is starting to get up there. Her battery is shot, which means I only have 33% battery as of right now. Maybe I should go back in.

And now I'm inside.

I saw my family doctor today. He wants to keep me on the pills until I start more therapy, despite me telling him I didn't think they were working. He told me to go out in the sun and see how it goes after therapy. I still haven't heard from the therapy people. I called but they didn't call back. I'll try again tomorrow.

I don't mind going out in the sun, but I don't like being too hot. I'd rather go out in the evening/night.

Adult Child

This is a long weekend for many Canadians, due to Canada Day being on a Friday. My father decided to take a three-day weekend and turn it into a 5 day. (It's back to 3.5-day weekend though.) He had Thursday and Saturday off, and Sunday and Monday. The last of one week, the beginning of the next. He's decided to go back to work Sunday overnight though. He kinda makes his own hours. In the meantime, most people love the idea of a long weekend, whether it's 3, 4, 5 days long. What a time to get things done!

Wait.

This is my father.

I don't know what normal fathers do on their days off. I can guess, judging by television and movies. I also know that my grandfather, a mason by trade, also spent a lot of timing building his kitchen, digging out half a basement and redoing half his house. I have many memories of my grandfather in his workshop or shed building or working on something. He also likes fishing and keeps a garden. Television tells me that fathers also like to do a lot more around the house, golf, camp.

Not my father.

My father likes to drink. I'm not sure if you're surprised by this or not. Depends who you are and what you already know about me.

The plan was originally for him to drink from Thursday to Sunday, using Monday as a day to "recover". However, I'm sure that tomorrow will be the recovery day. The way he plans it, the way he drinks alone, drinks to escape his problems, I think you know where I'm going with this.

There are other problems, other addictions, but I won't go into this here. I will say that, yes, I'm an adult child of a parent with addictions. This is most likely the cause for a lot of my problems.

The following are a list of characteristics common in people like me:

• have to guess what normal behaviour is in many situations,
• have difficulties completing projects,
• lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
• are self-judgmental,
• have difficulties having fun,
• take themselves very seriously,
• have problems in intimate relationships,
• overreact to changes which they can't control,
• are always looking for approval and confirmation,
• think they're different,
• are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
• are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,
• are impulsive

I'm pretty sure I have at least 11 of these.

Therapy is going to be very interesting again. Previously, I learned how to deal and cope with the anxiety all this caused. Not, I need to untie the knots. I think these are tied up pretty strong.