New Years Thoughts

Well, here we are again, another year down and another to come. So, I guess it's time for one of those look back at the last year.

I started off the year not long back from an amazing four months in the UK. I miss that place. It was fantastic and there was always something to do. We were busy but there was always something on the weekends. And if you got bored, it's only a train ride to London or to the airport where you can take a cheap plane to anywhere else in Europe. Wish it were like that here. So yeah, I was still on a high from that.

I turned 25 this year. That still boggles my mind. As of now, it feels like every age I turn will make me feel old, even though I won't REALLY be old. I just always thought that at 25, things would be different and I'd be a "real" adult. As of now, not yet.

I graduated university! Bachelor of Education in Primary/Elementary. Yay! After seven years of studying I am finally done. It feels great. Now, the hard part: finding a teaching job.

Made a few lifestyle changes, lost 20 lbs and gain and lose about 5 of them during the year, depends on my stress levels of the week.

Early in the year, I met someone and things were over quicker than we started. Somewhat, anyways. The repercussions of that made me a wreck for most of the summer. I hated myself for what happened, for being a fool and for falling for what I can see in retrospect were lies. I have learned that it wasn't entirely my fault and I am not fully to blame.

Then I met someone else and felt an amazing connection and had a great few weeks. It's over for now, but, despite some peoples objections, we're still talking. Why? I don't know. Maybe neither one of us wants to let go. I can't read his mind. Though if I met someone else, I'll seriously do some thinking and see how it goes.

My ex-boyfriend got married. That depressed me a little. Not because it was my ex-boyfriend, but because it was someone else my age that was taking that huge step. Also, at the time, I was dealing with the depression and mess that the first guy I mentioned left me in. Nothing against my ex. If he's happy, so be it. Good for him.

What else happened this year that was big? Nothing else that I can thing of. Oh! One of my best friends got the help she needed. Even if she had to go away to do it, she did it. I'm so proud of her and will continue to support her throughout all this.

All in all, 2011 had some good times, had some bad times. I'm not where exactly where I want to be in my life, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm ready for what 2012 has to throw at me. The big thing I'm hoping for is days in the classroom, either as a sub or something full time. A few other things I want, but I don't want to mention them. Might jinx it.

2012, bring it on!

Christmas Woes

Today, the world seems like it's turned upside down. There are too many things happening that that shouldn't be happening, or not happening that should happen. I have too many friends who are going through crises or not very good situations. Right now, I'm at the point where I wonder if anything will be normal again.

I want to be able to not worry about what I eat, if it'll cause pain later on, either in my stomach or in the heartburn regions. Even if I don't eat, I'm in pain.

I want my friends and their families to get through their situations with everyone healthy and ok.

Last night, I was told something that, while not unexpected, was not something I wanted to hear. This is twice. I don't know what I want with that.

I've had a UTI last week and my anxiety was increasing. It seems to be level again now, but still.

This time of year hasn't been easy in the past few years. It looks like this year will be similar.

Anyone remember what a normal Christmas is like?

A religious military?

I was born and raised Christian. I have no problems with admitting that. I go to church every Sunday and have no problems with that as well. However, I'm also very familiar with other major religions in the world, having read various texts from some of them, taken classes in other religions at university and making friends with people of various religions. I'm proud to admit that I know people of Jewish, Hindu and Muslim backgrounds, and yes, they are all nice, wonderful people. Even after my studying, I have come to incorporate some beliefs from other religions into my own. (What these are and how they all fit together is another story for another blog entry.) Whether or not this still makes me Christian, I don't know.

With that said, hearing something like this makes me facepalm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PAJNntoRgA&feature=youtu.be

His exact words are "there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military..."

Wait, what?!

Can someone please explain to me what's wrong with open gays in the military? If someone wanted to serve their country in this way (I wouldn't be able to do it), why can't they? If someone can physically and mentally handle the pressure that this job requires, why does it matter who they're sharing their bed with?

This same goes for marriage. I've heard people say that if you say you can marry whoever you want, then you're allowing for people to marry animals, things, even adults to children. No. That's not what it is. I see no reason for marriage to be defined as a binding between TWO CONSENSUAL ADULTS. Simple as that. You can't work around that and have a man marry a tree or a woman marry a cow. The tree and cow, while they may be adults in their species, can not consent to it.

In his ad, Rick Perry states that children can't celebrate Christmas in the classroom. I, personally, haven't seen this, but I haven't been in an American classroom. As an educator, I have to (or I will once someone hires me) guide my students to succeed in the world. That includes being socially intelligent and knowing how to interact with people. For many people in the world (not so much over on this continent, but definitely in others), their religion is a huge part of who they are. Even knowing what kind of dietary restrictions people have is a help! If they're having a dinner party and inviting a Hindu and a Jew, beef and pork dishes probably aren't going to work! You might also want to make sure that your dinner party doesn't fall on a day like Rosh Hashanah or Diwali or that it starts after sunset if it's Ramadan if you're inviting a Muslim.

So, in a classroom, by all means talk about Christmas. It's part of the culture and, most likely, at least in Newfoundland, the dominant religion of the students. But talk about the other religions as well. Students will learn much more if you actually teach something rather than nothing.

I think Homer Simpson (yes, Homer Simpson) said it best:

"Because in the end, aren't all religions the same? They tell us what to eat, when to pray, that this lump of clay called Man can somehow shape himself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that perfect grace if we have hatred in our hearts. So let us celebrate our commonalities. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all eat chicken."

I think that last part says so much more than just what we eat.

And for once, my blog entry has come around more-or-less full circle.

Snow Snow Go Away

As we grow up, we have a tendency to grow out of things. I like to think I still have some of those childhood likes still inside, particularly enjoying the Saturday morning cartoons of my day, eating Kraft Dinner and playing video games. I have found that I no longer like Chef Boyardee though.

As a child, I loved snow. The idea of a snow day was the dream of every student. Now, snow days just bring about days of shoveling and lost money due to work being cancelled. When you're a child, you can bundle up, go outside, make a snow fort, snowman and throw snowballs (obviously, you'd be behind your fort, the snowmen are the guards and you hurl the arsenal of snowballs at the fort across the way). I wish I could still do this. Maybe if I had someone to do it with.

And remember Crazy Carpets? Those insane things to go sliding down that I think are banned around the world because they were dangerous (though I never knew anyone who hurt themselves on one)? Sliding down those were awesome!

As an adult, there is still the shoveling, walking in the middle of the road because sidewalks aren't cleared, having snow and wind blowing in your face, having the snow turn to slush when it starts melting...cold hands, feets, noses and other body parts.

Snow was much more fun as a child. I could see it in the neighbourhood kids playing on their day off while I was trying to shovel off the steps and ramp. It wasn't fun for me this afternoon. I have probably outgrown snow. That, or I'm just looking at the world through jaded eyes these last few days. I don't know if "jaded" is the best word right now, but it sounds better than depressive eyes.

From Oldest to Poorest

For those who don't know, I sponsor a child. He's about a year and a half old, named Alexander and lives in Paraguay. His birthday's the day after mine, he loves bananas and he has the cutest face. About a week ago, I got the 2011 Christmas catalogue from the company, saying "here's some things that people need, would you buy them one? Or buy one in the name of a friend?". I have no issues with it. In a few years when I can afford more, sure I'll pay an extra bit of money for some toys, an animal or help sanitary conditions. But right now, the $38 a month is the best I can afford.

The question is...why do people need to do this? I'm not asking why do we give money to those who need it, but why do these people not have the necessities? What really gets me is the places that are considered developing and third world countries. And these places are countries like Africa and India, places that are where humans may have first arisen. So, if they were here first, why are they the worse off?

Is it like the situation when there's a new baby in the family? Everyone coos over the new one (North America) and forget about the others (Africa, India). North America was among the last one colonized during the migrations 20,000-40,000 years ago, and when the Europeans came over 500 years ago.

But, people in Africa were, arguably, on the planet first. So again, I ask, why are they the worse off? I don't have an answer. Maybe someone else does? I welcome comments that tell me I'm wrong (I'd prefer it in the form of constructive criticism of course).

The Almighty Forward

I love my mother. I do. She annoys me, pisses me off, sometimes forget I'm an adult, but she's my mommy. However, there are some things she just doesn't get.

I don't like email forwards. No, that's a lie. I don't like most email forwards. Those with funny pictures/captions or a really good joke, feel free to send them on my way. I will mostly likely enjoy those. But anything with a preachy message or telling me that if I send it to 10 friends, jump up and down and stand on my head for 3 minutes, my soul mates name will magically appear on my screen? No. That's a waste of my time, and yours by sending it to me. (Funny, misspelled captions of cats is not a waste because they amuse me.)

Mother has been informed several times of the email forwards I don't wish to receive. And yet, some seem to slip past and I get it. This time, it was one from Ben Stein, talking about how, as a Jew, he's not offended by the Christmas thing because that's Christmas, a Christian holiday and he's Jewish. Fine. I'll buy that. But the email goes on about how things got messed up since taking the bible out of schools.

And that's where I draw the line, click ctrl+t and do a Google search.

Yes, Ben Stein did say things like that...5 years ago. The rest of it was just added on by some idiot. Reading the whole thing, top to bottom doesn't make sense. For example, why would someone who's Jewish blame the problems with the Bible being taken out of the classrooms?

Once again, I explain to mother why this does not fall into the category of emails I like to receive. She said that it was religious and I'm religious and therefore might enjoy. Facepalm. No. I did my focus area in Religious Education so that I can learn more about the various religions of the world and place that knowledge into other students heads so they don't grow up to be prejudice to any religion. I'm the kind who would want, not just the Christian Bible, but the Torah, the Qur'an, the Bhagavad Gita, among others, in my classroom. Then I remember I'm a Primary/Elementary educator and the age may not be able to comprehend. Excerpts then! Or at least common ideas found in most/all religions.

Long story short, if you have an email forward and you're not sure if I'd like it, don't send it. If it says that I'll find out my date of death or children's names, I don't want it. If it has a picture like this:

Please do forward.

Confidence Fleeting

Confidence. We all know what it is and we all have some to a certain extent. However, I frequently lack the confidence where I should have it. Example. I have a small solo in church next Sunday evening. That's fine. However, even though I know that I know this piece, I freak out. We had to sing it without music and I just...panicked. But I know the part. Or at least I think do. See? Lack of confidence.

Even at work and various jobs I've done. I start at the bottom rung, and I stay there, despite sometimes not being happy with the way things are done and often quickly learning about how things work a bit higher up. But I never go for a higher position, even though I love having power. Why? Because I don't have the confidence in myself to do it. I feel like I won't be good enough to move forward. So I stay where I am because I know I can do this. If the opportunity came up to move up in a job, it'll take a lot of convincing for me to take this opportunity.

Just saying.

And there's the opposite sex. Confidence in that? Well...that's a no-brainer.

Though I have no idea why I have the confidence in posting my various thoughts online where anyone can read them. Possibly because I seriously don't know who half the readers are. But that's the way it is.

Also, just a notice. The word "confidence" means to have faith in yourself or something else. But "confidential" means to keep something secret. Any linguists out there want to tell me how these two similar words mean something different? /nerdiness.

This is Halloween

Today is Halloween, despite what the weather is like outside in my corner of the world. Rain, cold, windy and about 3 degrees Celsius (37 Fahrenheit). We might get kids come to the door. If not, more chips for me. I will be wearing my witch dress to work, which people will either like or have nightmares about, depending on your persuasion.

Either way, since it's Halloween, a night people associate with ghosts, zombies, witches and all things dead, there are people who are against, mostly heavily Christian people (please note, I'm not saying heavily Christian people are anti-Halloween, just that most people who are anti-Halloween are heavily Christian). I don't care if someone is heavily religious. I'd just like it if you had a little background information before belittling other people's beliefs.

Of course Halloween has Pagan influences, but so does other Christian holidays. Many elements of the Christmas story most Christians known are also seen in Pagan and pre-Christian mythology. Easter also has Pagan roots. Google Eostre and see. So why single out Halloween? My guess would be that it's more open. However, people who note Halloween for it's Paganism seem to forget that it has Christian origins as well, that it's called All Hallows Eve, the day before All Hallows, or All Saints.

I guess people just like to use different bits of information for their own personal reasons without looking at the whole picture. I like to think I see more of the big picture, but I could be wrong. I just know that I suck at writing conclusions and bringing things all together (really, you should see some papers I've had to write...conclusions frequently the weak part). But, I think my point here is clear enough that I don't need one. If I do, let me know.

Caped Questions

The following as been running around my head for a while, and it needs to come out in blog form.

Why do some superheros wear capes? Obviously, not all of them do.

At first, I thought it was to help with flying, as some sort of wind resistance. Superman flies, Superman wears a cape. Same with Storm, Underdog and Magneto. However, Green Lantern flies, he has no cape. Iron Man flies, no cape. Human Torch as well. Wonder Woman seems to have both cape and no cape forms.

It's possible that the cape is used because those without the cape can fly without it.

Though that doesn't explain why Batman, the Caped Crusader, has a cape! No, wait, the cape makes him look more like a bat. But then why does Dr.Doom wear a cape? To my knowledge, he does not fly.

Of course, there's the argument used in The Watchmen and The Incredibles which says that capes are deathtraps, getting caught in doors, elevators, jet turbines and so on.

So...what is the point of the Superhero Cape? It doesn't aid in flying if not everyone needs it, and some who wear it don't use it for flying.

I guess the only real reason for the cape, it looks cool.

Family Differences

It's amusing how different people manifest their anxieties, even in my own house. With me, it's all physical. You know I'm anxious when you can see me like Marge here:

I may also be experiencing a panic attack, or freaking out over any physical ailment I'm experiencing.

My brother on the other hand, he's borderline OCD. He's constantly washing his hands, will usually only eat food prepared by himself or by mom in the way that it has always been prepared. For example, Mom makes spaghetti, he's fine. I make spaghetti, no way.

We're both hypochondriacs of course. One of the most common symptoms of Wellbutrin is numbness, tingling, pins and needles in extremities. So, usually tinglings in my arms and fingers. Throw in some heartburn, and I immediately think I'm having a heart attack. It usually takes someone talking me down from it. My brother is also a hypochondriac but I can't give examples for him.

However, my mom is anticipating the phone call from one of us in the future that goes, "MOM!! The baby coughed! Should I take him to the doctor?! Is he going to be ok?!?!".

But I guess the differences in anxiety are due to various things, such as slightly different genetics, slightly different upbringing (the fact he's a male and younger than me shows that). Either way, we both have anxiety issues.

However, I'm more willing to admit it than him.

I don't remember

I've officially been off the pristiq for a week now. The side effects from the withdrawal are more or less gone but there's still some while the wellbutrin is working its way into my system. However, the main one now is feeling like small electric shocks not long before having to take my medication again.

I'll get by, I guess.

This whole thing has made me glad I haven't been called into any schools this past week or so since I was not mentally there at all. Now, I'd like it if the phone rang.

There was something I wanted to write, I know that, but I don't remember what it was. If I remember, I'll write it down.

Side Effects Update

I guess this is my second full day of the pill switch. Here's an update:

- Sleep. I must have spent at least 10 hours in bed last night/this morning and then dozed this afternoon. I don't know if this is withdrawal or new medication.

- Nausea. Worse than yesterday. I can barely sit up straight (I'm currently lounging on the couch at a 45 degree angle. Any higher and I feel like throwing up).

- Head stuff. Mind is not so foggy today and the light headedness comes and go.

- Crying jags. That started today. First, when I tried to explain why I wasn't going to work. Then when I realized I couldn't eat the bananas since they're for baking. Then when I told the cat there wasn't another cat outside.

Appetite is fine though. And my mood is stable...ish. As much as it can be dealing with the side effects. It's mostly the nausea and head that keeps me from work tonight. Hopefully I can make it tomorrow.

Withdrawaling TIme

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and told him about everything that was going on. He gave me a new medication and told me to get off the other. So I'm off Pristiq and on Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a lot of withdrawal symptoms. Right now I'm dealing with:

- nausea. Not fun at all.

- light-headedness/dizziness. Also not fun. It makes me want to do nothing. This is probably the worst part.

- foggy head/loss of concentration. I hate these because it's....the proof is I can't find the word to describe it.

My mood hasn't changed. I guess that's ok.

Hopefully the new drug will take over soon while I deal with this withdrawal stuff.

In the meantime, I think I should at least lie down for a while, even though it's 12:30 in the morning.

I'm told it takes about 7 days to get over this "detox". This is gonna be a long seven days.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving here in Canada. Not sure why we have it earlier than Americans. it might have to do with it being colder so we have to harvest earlier. I honestly have no idea. Either way, I get turkey this weekend.

Despite the yummy eating, it's a time to be thankful for various things. I'm not sure what to say for that. I could say I have my health, but I have this new stomach/acid/gassy thing which is not fun. I have friends, that's not something everyone can say. I do have a job. It's not what I want to do with my life but it's something legal that makes money. In this economy, you do what you can.

I don't think I have my mind, which is a terrible thing to say. Have a very quick....thing with someone, my heart and pride shattered, leading to a depression that I haven't found my way fully out of. I feel like I've peaked with my medication and I'm not where I used to be. Disturbing images pop in my head again periodically. The biggest thing? The car-related anxiety attacks are returning. The first one was back in April, but it was an isolated incident, or so I thought. Then I had a few on the bus. In the past few weeks, about half the time I get in a car, I'd feel one coming. I do everything I can do to avoid them: I read, I talk, I play with the phone, I do some combination of all the above. I don't know why the attacks are coming back and I don't like it.

I have every plan to tell the doctor when I see him in two weeks. It might even get me in to see a psychiatrist quicker.

Plan for the Future

Yesterday, I sang at a funeral for a member of the church. I don't know if he knew me, but his wife does. As I was sitting in my seat, my mind begins to wander, as it does. I was looking at the coffin and the size of it dawned something in my mind.

My brother is three years younger than. Women tend to live longer than men, so it's entirely possible that I will live longer than my brother. The thought occurred to me that finding a coffin long enough to fit him might be a problem. Would we have to get one long enough or would they break his legs to fit him in? Would he even want to be buried? He's very into zombies and the zombie apocalypse right now, so would he want to be cremated to ensure he doesn't come back as a zombie? I realized that, while my brother and I are close, he has never mentioned these ideas to me.

So I asked him. Before I could get very far, he immediately stopped me and said that he didn't want to talk about that, the idea really disturbs him and to never mention it again.

I was a little surprised by this. Most people in my family know that I want to be cremated and have a general idea of what music I want for my funeral (Faure's Requiem, Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silent, Jesu Lover of My Soul, O God Our Help in Ages Past and (if I die at the right time of year) St. Patrick's Breastplate).

Maybe I'm more open about this kind of thing. Maybe I'm more realistic. Maybe my brother is too sensitive about this topic.

Or maybe I'm just morbid.

In-depth Harry Potterness

I'm a nerd, yes? That's pretty much agreeable. We also know that I'm in Pottermore. Well, I just want to give you some ideas on the information we've been given. First, a detailed background into Professor MacGonagall's life. Second, after a series of questions at the appropriate times, you're given a wand and house. Here's a little detail that J.K. Rowling has provided on my wand and my house.

Wand

10 and a half inches, Sycamore with Unicorn, Unyielding

The sycamore makes a questing wand, eager for new experience and losing brilliance if engaged in mundane activities. It is a quirk of these handsome wands that they may combust if allowed to become ‘bored,’ and many witches and wizards, settling down into middle age, are disconcerted to find their trusty wand bursting into flame in their hand as they ask it, one more time, to fetch their slippers. As may be deduced, the sycamore’s ideal owner is curious, vital and adventurous, and when paired with such an owner, it demonstrates a capacity to learn and adapt that earns it a rightful place among the world's most highly-prized wand woods.

Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard.

Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing.

Once being placed in Slytherin, while even wanting to be in that house, I was a little surprised. I had figured I'd be placed in Ravenclaw. But then I read the welcome message, again another amazing thing from JKR, who must have created these for all four houses.

Congratulations! I’m Prefect Gemma Farley, and I’m delighted to welcome you to SLYTHERIN HOUSE. Our emblem is the serpent, the wisest of creatures; our house colours are emerald green and silver, and our common room lies behind a concealed entrance down in the dungeons. As you’ll see, its windows look out into the depths of the Hogwarts lake. We often see the giant squid swooshing by – and sometimes more interesting creatures. We like to feel that our hangout has the aura of a mysterious, underwater shipwreck.

Now, there are a few things you should know about Slytherin – and a few you should forget.

Firstly, let’s dispel a few myths. You might have heard rumours about Slytherin house – that we’re all into the Dark Arts, and will only talk to you if your great-grandfather was a famous wizard, and rubbish like that. Well, you don’t want to believe everything you hear from competing houses. I’m not denying that we’ve produced our share of Dark wizards, but so have the other three houses – they just don’t like admitting it. And yes, we have traditionally tended to take students who come from long lines of witches and wizards, but nowadays you’ll find plenty of people in Slytherin house who have at least one Muggle parent.

Here’s a little-known fact that the other three houses don’t bring up much: Merlin was a Slytherin. Yes, Merlin himself, the most famous wizard in history! He learned all he knew in this very house! Do you want to follow in the footsteps of Merlin? Or would you rather sit at the old desk of that illustrious ex-Hufflepuff, Eglantine Puffett, inventor of the Self-Soaping Dishcloth?

I didn’t think so.

But that’s enough about what we’re not. Let’s talk about what we are, which is the coolest and edgiest house in this school. We play to win, because we care about the honour and traditions of Slytherin.

We also get respect from our fellow students. Yes, some of that respect might be tinged with fear, because of our Dark reputation, but you know what? It can be fun, having a reputation for walking on the wild side. Chuck out a few hints that you’ve got access to a whole library of curses, and see whether anyone feels like nicking your pencil case.

But we’re not bad people. We’re like our emblem, the snake: sleek, powerful, and frequently misunderstood.

For instance, we Slytherins look after our own – which is more than you can say for Ravenclaw. Apart from being the biggest bunch of swots you ever met, Ravenclaws are famous for clambering over each other to get good marks, whereas we Slytherins are brothers. The corridors of Hogwarts can throw up surprises for the unwary, and you’ll be glad you’ve got the Serpents on your side as you move around the school. As far as we’re concerned, once you’ve become a snake, you’re one of ours – one of the elite.

Because you know what Salazar Slytherin looked for in his chosen students? The seeds of greatness. You’ve been chosen by this house because you’ve got the potential to be great, in the true sense of the word. All right, you might see a couple of people hanging around the common room whom you might not think are destined for anything special. Well, keep that to yourself. If the Sorting Hat put them in here, there’s something great about them, and don’t you forget it.

And talking of people who aren’t destined for greatness, I haven’t mentioned the Gryffindors. Now, a lot of people say that Slytherins and Gryffindors represent two sides of the same coin. Personally, I think Gryffindors are nothing more than wannabe Slytherins. Mind you, some people say that Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor prized the same kinds of students, so perhaps we are more similar than we like to think. But that doesn’t mean that we cosy up with Gryffindors. They like beating us only slightly less than we like beating them.

A few more things you might need to know: our house ghost is the Bloody Baron. If you get on the right side of him he’ll sometimes agree to frighten people for you. Just don’t ask him how he got bloodstained; he doesn’t like it.

The password to the common room changes every fortnight. Keep an eye on the noticeboard. Never bring anyone from another house into our common room or tell them our password. No outsider has entered it for more than seven centuries.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’m sure you’ll like our dormitories. We sleep in ancient four-posters with green silk hangings, and bedspreads embroidered with silver thread. Medieval tapestries depicting the adventures of famous Slytherins cover the walls, and silver lanterns hang from the ceilings. You’ll sleep well; it’s very soothing, listening to the lake water lapping against the windows at night.

Yup. If I was really in Hogwarts, I'd be at home in Slytherin. I just hope I don't get in trouble posting this.

PS. I've edited this several times to be able to show what's my words and what's Pottermore's. But, for some reason, blogspot doesn't want me to. Hopefully, by bolding my words, you can tell the difference.

More Aches and Harry's.

I've gone well over a week without caffeine. The only time I really feel it is when I wake up in the morning and in the middle of the afternoon when I usually have a pick-me-up. But it's not as bad as it could have been. I've been drinking hot chocolate at work, which is fine.

Unfortunately, I have more stomach issues. Sometimes it feels like some sort of acidic, gassy thing in my stomach. First, it was after eating certain foods. Then, it was after eating anything. Now, I've had it all day. I'll probably end up back to my doctor's on Monday for something else.

And it's not in anyone one place! It moves around which makes it seem more like gas than stomach acid. Any pharmacy/nurse/doctor students or professional have ideas? I'm drinking peppermint tea which is helping calm the belly. But I can't just drink that all the time.

Got logged into PotterMore, but I guess since everyone else got their acceptance owls, the server has been crashing. I can't get in all the time and it's frequently down. Guess they underestimated the amount of people would be on there. However, I HAVE managed to get my wand! Sycamore, unicorn core, 10.5 inches, unyielding. Looks good. I'll post more about it once I can finally log in again. If you have PotterMore, add me! I'm KnightQuaffle198.

Speaking of which, just got in! TTYL!

Coffee free. God Help Me.

So, after Saturday's....adventure, I woke up Sunday with a killer stomach with lots of nauseous feelings. I stayed in bed most of the day. Naturally, I blamed it on the alcohol. However, when I woke up Monday and felt just as bad, I knew something wasn't right. What made it worse, I couldn't even physically touch my stomach without it hurting. So I went to the doctor. I told him that I was having night-time heart burn, but it was alleviated by taking an antacid at night and elevating my head and shoulders while sleeping. However, the past few nights I had nausea instead of heartburn (didn't mention the alcohol) and today my stomach was killing me. He told me to lie on the table and he pressed right in the center of where my pain was, and said "yup. Gastritis." It's an inflammation of the stomach which he said came about because of too much acid. The antacid at night is good but I needed more to get rid of all the pain. So he gave me a prescription and gave me strict orders about something.

No coffee.

Actually, no caffeine, which includes no coffee, no tea, no fizzy drinks, no colas. I could still drink decaf though, but that's not the same.

Right now, I'm on day 2 of no coffee. It's not easy. I'm tired a lot, loss of focus. Hopefully that won't last much longer. And I did have decaf, but no, it's not the same.

Intoxication

This entry is being written while I may or may not be slightly intoxicated. Leading slightly towards the may. I apologize in advance for the bad spelling/grammar.

So, today was my friend Wendy's (HI WENDY!!!) birthday party. At one point, my teacher pants came on, but it didn't work so well. See, I called the cabs to get us downtown. If you call a cab to go downtown at midnight, you have to call at like 11. I somehow managed to get one to come and they said it was on the way. I clapped my hands (you know...clap-clap-clapclapclap) to get attention. It didn't work. So I just yelled the cabs were on the way. Then the cabs were there. So then, I tried again to figure out who was going where. Didn't work out. Teacher pants off, hulk pants on. "Get off your ass and come on! CAB. IS. HEEEERE." Ok, maybe not like that. But still!

For most of the evening, teacher pants on again as I was frequently concerned where the other people were. I dunno where they were. I didn't like this. Like knowing where everyone is! I finally gave up and eventually made it home.

I'm getting too old for this, I think. That, or I can't lose myself in the alcoholness (Google says that's not a word.) and just forget everything. No! I don't like that. I need to be in control of my mind and my body. None of this drinking and waking up the next morning not sure how I got there. I know I got a cab home. It was a CO-OP cab, which I don't see very often. I know I'll be sleeping soon, in my own bed. I may or may not change clothes. I am getting quite tired. Point is, I am in control. Not the alcohol, ME. That's probably why I don't do drugs...I want my control. I like my control.

I may also be weirded out by the age differences of me and the downtown/club people. A lot of them...19, 20, 21...I'm 25. They're too young for me. That and I just have a dislike for the general population as a whole.

And I don't like this music they listen to. Except while drinking. And it needs a damn good bass/beat so I can dance. No, I can't dance to Journey. I don't know why Journey has become so popular all over again. Yes, I do like that other people know Don't Stop Believin', but how many other Journey songs can they name? Besides, I love loving a band that others haven't heard of. Not saying that everyone is like this. No way. I know this. But it seems that way. Prove me wrong, people!

I think I'm done now. Time to get a glass of water and then sleepy.

Night night.

Sicky time

Is it bad that sometimes I have to look back and see what was the last thing I wrote? Yeah, it's been a while.

So, I'm done WalMart for good now. Not going back, unless it's for shopping or bugging former co-workers, since that's always fun.

Like my computer, I'm sick. However, unlike my computer, I can't rest a bit and be normal for a bit. At least not yet. I'm not as sick as the rest of the house is. It seems most of my illness is in the sinuses. Hopefully it'll be better in the next day or two.

I'm also doing better. I guess just talking to other people and stuff is helping me get over things. I'm still scared to do so, but I try...a bit. Went back to POF but it seems like either the people I don't want to talk to want to talk to me, and the ones I want to talk to don't talk to me. Typical...I guess. But like I said...it's scary.

But now I must go and finish dishes. Just letting you know I'm alive.

Restless Computer Syndrome

You know those moments where you're bored, but not bored? Where you want something or do something but you don't know what? The point where you want to run around but want to lie there? Yeah I'm in that spot right now.

I've been busy in August. I only wrote 5 entries last month. I guess working two jobs will do that to you. But I'll be finishing Wal-Mart on Thursday. I'll miss some of the people I've met but I won't miss the customers. No offense to people that shop there, I'm one of you, but...wow some people make you want to stab yourself in the eye.

My computer hasn't been well. It's not too bad now, since I've done some scans (thanks to Brad) and took the back off to clean (thanks to Elliot for that one!). I couldn't clean it fully but it seems to have made a difference.

At least now I can multi-task. I couldn't earlier. Now I have Google Chrome, yahoo messenger and Windows Media Player open. Chrome has two tabs. Earlier, I would only be able to open one of those programs at a time, and have only one tab. So hopefully I can keep this all up until I can afford a new laptop. Maybe for Christmas, I'll just ask for money to go towards it so I can get a fancy, top of the line one.

Almost done book two of Song of Ice and Fire. Wow. Just amazing books. I picked up book three today since I knew I'd be finished this one soon. I try to avoid spoilers, but unfortunately I find the occasional one. In my head now, I'm trying to think of how it'll end and...well, I don't see one that doesn't involve a lot of people dead and some of the living still unhappy over the final outcome. It's going to be interesting few books now!

Not sure what else to say at the moment. I'm probably going to try WoW. I was playing earlier but my character kept dying because the computer would lag. Hopefully if I play now it'll be ok. Or use another character that won't get killed easily.

Hopefully once my computer gets over this "flu", I can download new music. I've had some recommendations and I know some of the bands that I listen to have or will have new music out. For now, I'll do with what I have.

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for staying tuned.

Still Alive

I haven't been writing much. Twice I've started to write a blog and twice I scrapped it. The first was an entry about the late Jack Layton. The second was an entry about how I can't fathom living in a small town of 350 people, as someone who did a survey with me claimed to.

I still want to write in my blog. Unfortunately, thoughts come through my mind and I'm not near my laptop, since I'm at work or on the bus. The entire entry plays in my head and then it's done. Or sometimes, I just verbalize my thoughts to whomever happens to be near and then it's done. Also, I guess it doesn't help that I like to look at people when I'm talking. I can see their expressions and get a better sense of if they're actually paying attention.

Not saying I don't value my readers here. I like knowing that someone out there enjoys reading the thoughts that go through my head. However, I'm the kind of person who needs a computer attached to their brain to get everything out. That, or I need a keyboard on my phone (besides the one it comes with) because typing a lot with just thumbs can get pretty annoying.

I'll try to do better.

Decision Made

The decision is made, at least in my head. I haven't made it known to the higher ups, but it's being posted on my blog, which officially makes it official.

I'm gonna leave Wal-Mart. Yeah, the 10% discount is nice, but I can't do that. I'll drive myself insane if I stay there. Or...at least...more so than normal. It's just too stressful. Besides, I'm not 100% sure how working a lot there would influence my chances of getting into see a psychiatrist, despite being already on the waiting list. (Yeah, I'm still waiting.)

It might mean less money for running away though, but, well, I just can't do that.

They've also scheduled me to work on the first Wednesday night back to choir! Nooooo! Dislike. I've also been scheduled for mostly evenings in the next few weeks, and that's just a pain in my ass. Yes, I wanted evenings but this is EVERY evening. Bah.

So, the decision is made. I'll finish up the scheduled shifts which will bring me to September 9th, I believe. Then, no more discounts!

Besides, it's kinda bad when you're told by everyone you mention it to (including your department manager) that it's better to leave if there's another job.

Decisions Decisions

Very soon, I need to come to a decision. Once September starts, I can join the substitute list, living the exciting life of going to a different classroom every day, or may not get to one at all right away. Either way, my 8-4s will need to be pretty open so that I can take a substitute job at a moments notice.

However, there may be times when I'll get no substitute work and I will need money. With free evenings and (half) weekends, I'll have that time to work. I won't be able to work Wednesday nights and Sundays due to choir and church. That leaves me Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday for working. Right now, I'm working two jobs. Either I'd work 2 days at one, 3 at the other, or I leave one.

So here's the big decision. Which one would I do? There are pros and cons to both. Let's look a them, shall we?

The Call Center - I make $11/hour, it would be just in the evenings and I like the people I work with. However, if there's downtime, I won't get work, making it unreliable.

Wal-mart - Reliable hours, I'll always have work and a 10% discount card. However, I make $10.15 an hour. As well, it's stressful, busy and I won't get off until 11pm. At the same time, I haven't been there as long, so maybe I haven't given it a long enough chance. I know it will get busier and more stressful as Christmas gets closer.

So, any thoughts? Attempt to do essentially three jobs, or drop one? And which one? Based on what you know, what would you do?

I don't know

I can't sleep, which isn't great since I need to get up in 5 hours and go to work. I have a mug of warm milk beside me. Doesn't taste the best, but that's not why I drink it. It usually does the job of helping me sleep. Thoughts racing, on the other hand, do not. I don't know if I've done a blog of keep-me-awake thoughts, but I thought it might help.

For the past few days, I've been thinking about someone way too much, even though it's been something like 3 months since I've last saw him. No...it was past that. We had lunch one day. I think that was in June. June sounds right. Last time we were together was May. So, it's been that long. I don't know why he's been running through my mind, but he has. And it fucking hurts.

There are times when I wish I hadn't met him and then I wouldn't be feeling this way now. There are times when I wish he'd call/text/message/whatever and say that the he chose the wrong path, that he wants me back and we can move on. Other times, I just want to move on.

I don't know why I have this problem of letting things go. Maybe that's why I want to run away, so I can physically leave it behind. Physically leaving things behind is easier than mentally and emotionally leaving things behind.

I don't know if he reads this. If he does, he should know who he is based on what I've said.

If he does read this, this is for him: I don't know what I want from you. I don't know if I want to be friends with you or if I want you to pick me or if I never want to see you again. Right now, I could go for all 3 options, but then I'd be disappointed in the one it ended up being. I just want to stop hurting.

I feel like there's more I should say, but I don't know what I want to say anymore.

Things I've Learned at Wal-Mart

Sorry for the lack of updates. Working two jobs can be a little straining and time consuming. But I have realized many things while working at Wal-Mart that I'd like to pass on and make a few requests.

1) Look for things yourself. I don't mind helping people and pointing them in the right direction. Sometimes things can be a little confusing. For example, would a child's baseball glove be in toys or sports? What about a car seat? Toys or infants? Neither of these are in toys. Crafts are a toughie; some are in toys, some are in crafts. But the point is to actually look for something. For example, there's only one place bread would be and that's in the grocery aisle under the big sign "bread".

2) Don't get mad if I don't know where things are. First of all, I haven't even been there a month. Second of all, I get placed in a department and that's the area I know best. I might know what area something is in. I know that some things are more likely in furniture than housewares, seasonal or sports, but I don't know the exact location. Nor do I know if there are anymore of the products in the department I don't work in. 9 chances out of 10, what's there is there, except in seasonal, which has it's only little storage place since a lot of things you want are in big boxes that need to be there. But yes, please be patient as I'm trying to help you and learn in the process. I am not a computer that knows exactly where everything is.

3) Don't steal my cart. Frequently, I've returned from break (or sometimes helping another customer!) and my cart is gone. The things I have placed in the cart are left on the floor or randomly put on the shelf. The cart is there for a reason. If there are items that aren't suppose to be in my department, or items that are broken/stolen bits/etc., I have to bring them to the proper place. It's easier to put them in the cart and go once than go a million times a day. However, I noticed that leaving my pricing gun in the cart helps prevent cart theft. I might continue to this is.

4) If your child random throws thing on the floor, be nice and pick it up. It's ok if it's not in the right place, but it's 10 times safer on a shelf than on a floor.

That's all I can think of right now. I'm actually pretty tired, since I've been getting up at 6am lately.

If I think of something else, watch for another post.

Changes

As mentioned before, I've wondered if moving away would be a solution to my problems. The jury's still out on that. But there has been something that has been on my mind lately. I think it has to do with the fact that I walk past this section several times a day at Wal-Mart.

I want new things.

Particularly house/bedroom things.

I want to buy these bed-in-a-bag things, get new shelves, dressers, etc and get rid of my old ones.

I have a lot of my sisters things in my room. Combined with the things that haven't changed in their since the beginning of time, it looks like a 12 year old lives there instead of a 25 year old. I don't want any of this furniture any more.

And I'm tired of that pale blue paint on my walls. I want something bolder. Bright reds or dark greens. Something that says this is my room.

I just need money.

Gender Wars

In my one week at Wal-Mart, I've seen some various things that made me question various parenting skills. For example, why do parents let their children run amok in the store? Don't they realize that it can make you seem like you can't control your child, having them run around like crazy, making a huge mess? It's not fun for US either. We have to waste time cleaning everything up.

Another thing is how gendered parents continue to be in this day and age. Every day, I hear parents telling their child that they "don't want this, this is for boys!" or that they need to move along because "these are girls toys". Is there something wrong here? Why are some toys more appropriate for boys and some are appropriate for girls? And then there's the double standard! If a girl wants to play with Legos, that's ok. Of course, they're encouraged to buy the Legos that come in the pink box as opposed to the blue. But it seems like all hell breaks loose if a boy wants to play with a doll.

I say, let them. Why should we discourage part of our children's development and not discover their full potential? A girl playing with a Lego set might be the first step for her to become an architect or a civil engineer. A boy who wants to play with a ballerina Barbie may become a world renowned dancer. Playing with the Easy-Bake Ovens might be the first step for a young boy to be a famous chef. But if we don't let a child play with a certain toy because of the colour of the box, then we'll never know.

Today, I saw a parent willing to but her daughter in danger because there were no bike helmets "for a little girl" (her exact words) left in that size. She was seriously considering putting her child in a helmet that was too big because it was purple with flowers rather than buying the right size helmet that was blue and had aliens on it. I don't understand that one.

When I have a child, boy or girl, I can't see myself limiting their options of play things. If my little girl tries dinkies and transformers and doesn't like them, so be it. I won't force her. If my little boy wants to play with the kitchen set, so be it. If he wants to play cook, whatever! It makes him happy. I'll let my little girl play in the dirt too. I know I played in the dirt.

I'm not saying that girl toys and boy toys are bad. I'm saying give your child all the options available. Let your girl play in the dirt and then play with some dolls. Let the boy play dress up and then break out the Transformers. If you don't offer your child all there is to offer, regardless of gender, how can they truly live up to their full potential?

Midnight Queries

What brings about feelings of sadness almost randomly? And why do they happen more often at night? Even though I prefer the nighttime, I'm the most lonely then. I don't know why. Maybe because a lot of people are gone to bed. It's at night when I feel most like maybe my medications aren't working.

Why does it feel like something is missing? I don't feel like a whole person. What would make me feel whole? If going away is an option, would I feel better? Would my problems stay here or will they follow me wherever I go?

I feel like I should write more, but I honestly don't know what to say. If anyone has insight on why there appears to be more depression from me at night, I'd appreciate it.

Working Girl

I have heard from the various doctors/hospitals. I've been referred to a long-term clinic. My doctor said I should hear from them in three weeks. A letter from Eastern Health (the board of health) said it can take up to a year.

I don't know if I can survive a year. So hopefully I'll hear soon.

Wal-mart is ok so far. There's a lot of breaks! Like most jobs, when it goes fast, it goes fast. I still feel a little uncertain though, based on different things like when people ask me where things are. I know the general area, which section, but these people want me to pick it up and give it to them, basically.

And then cleaning up the area, which is what you always have to do, can be annoying because people pick up things and lay them down in random places. But whatever.

I don't know what'll happen with the other job because I don't want to leave there and I'll work both if I can. I'll know soon I guess.

Just...Sad

I went to Chapters today. I wanted to pick up Book Two of A Song of Ice and Fire. I'll soon be done the first book and I wanted to get the second one while I still had money. I didn't stay as long as I wanted to. First of all, the battery in my mp3 player was dying and I hate being somewhere without music to listen to. Second of all, during my wandering, I somehow ended up in the Sex and Relationship section. The title of a book made me stop. It was called "It's Not Him. It's You." The second I saw that, the tears welled up and I had to leave, not just that section, but the entire store. I paid for my A Clash of Kings (that's the 2nd book) and left before I started crying.

In my opinion, the jury is still out on if it's the him's in my life or if it's me or if it's some combination of both. Most likely it's the combinations. And I know that I shouldn't but I do miss someone that I shouldn't be missing. I don't think I've seen him in over a month, barely words exchanged since then. But still.

I have very unhealthy relationships.

I'm not sure what it is, but I want to cry but can't.

I see my doctor this week. Hopefully, he'll have news about the psychiatrist.

Borrowed Energy

As most people know, I have good days and bad days. And today, it wasn't a good day. I don't really know why, but it wasn't. I just...didn't feel good. Maybe it's because I felt good yesterday. Too good. Like I had to borrow the good from another day to make up for it.

Yesterday, or rather, at midnight, was the premiere of the final Harry Potter movie, so my friend and I went. I haven't went to a midnight showing so it was exciting. And yes, we were there at 6:30, despite the show not starting until midnight. But a former classmate was in front of us and some pretty awesome people were behind us. One of them was a dead ringer for Eliza Dushku (Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

We got in the theatre before 10, and we had a trivia contest. We were told there was no prizes and you'd just get the glory for knowing the most about Harry Potter. I got an answer right (actually my hand was raised before the question was even finished being asked. I was going up there) so I got to go to the front for an elimination round. I'd get very excited when I knew an answer even when it wasn't my question. I managed to make it to the final two with....the Eliza clone! It was exciting and intense but in the end, after several questions we either both got right or both got wrong, I won. And then he gave me a Snape poster because I said Snape was my favourite character.

And then the movie started. I laughed. I cheered as some villains died and heroes did some of their memorable lines and actions did from the books (Molly Weasley and Neville Longbottom are big examples here. If you know what I'm talking about, you know). I cried when a character died and we got to see their flashback memories. Again, if you've read the book, you know who I'm talking about.

But with all the excitement from yesterday...today was just a drag. It felt long and slow at the same time, my mood has been low for most of the day. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes to see if I've borrowed anymore energy.

Oh, and I got a new job. I now work in the toy department of Wal-Mart.

Small Update

I haven't really posted much this weekend. Not really sure what to say. Other than me getting a job interview for a clothing store. I told them I can work anytime, but if I want to stay where I am, I'll have to tell them to I only want to work in the day. After I start, of course. Besides, working there, I'd get a discount on clothing. They have a lot of teacher friendly clothes there.

Other than that, I just kinda...go through life. I just do what I have to do. That, and lose myself in World of Warcraft. It's easy for me since I don't have to do much thinking, much work. I follow the map to my quests, press buttons, things die and I get a reward. But I have no feeling for it. It just kinda happens.

And I'm reading A Song of Ice and Fire series. You may also know it as A Game of Thrones which is just the first book in the series. I'm not that far into it, but it's good so far. And I've been doing a good job at not reading spoilers.

I guess that's it for now.

The Kitties

I don't care who you are and what you say; cats are smart. At least mine are. They always have been. First, we've had Ginger who would know when we'd have to get up, go to bed and come home from school. Things changed when we went to junior high school because we started coming home at different times due to after school activities, staying up late, sleeping in, etc. But she always knew when you were sick and would lie down with you the whole time. And she knew when there was going to be grated cheese in the kitchen.

Now we have Bob. He's also smart but...he can be a little slow. For example, he knows ways to sneak outside, like hiding in the laundry basket. However, he doesn't realize that we can SEE him in the laundry basket. He also knows that cameras take pictures and he usually watches the camera, posing, waiting for the flash.

Bella is one of the smartest cats I've ever met. In fact, she talks with us. She understands what we're saying and attempts to communicate with us. Her meows even have different intonations and we can tell her mood. We know when she's happy, mad, sad, and even has matching facial expressions. While most cats can be "tricked" with treats, she can't. She knows we want something and is wary about getting treats for no particularly reasons. Last year, I used to let her out when I came home from work at 4pm. She continued looking to get out at 4pm during my days off and for a short while after I left for England. Like Ginger, she knows when bedtime is and will tell us so if we're up late.

She's also very skittish. In fact, she has a new hiding spot in the house somewhere so that we can't find her.

They also know that I've been depressed lately. They won't let me sleep without one of them. One of them will cuddle with me when I go to bed and usually leave while I drift off. When I wake up, one of them (sometimes the same one, sometimes the other one) will come and cuddle for a few minutes before I get up.

It's like they know I need hugs.

I knew something was up

If you want proof of my depression, I have it.

I love manly men. I mean really masculine, dripping with testosterone. Take me to a hockey game, and the smell of the testosterone in the air is fantastic. Great muscles, dripping in sweat...love it. Right now, there are construction workers across the street. They've been redoing the windows, outside siding and roofs to the houses.

I don't care.

I've seen them, in their tank tops, sweating and muscles rippling as they climb the scaffolding, hammering things in. And I don't care. There's nothing there.

In the meantime, I got a call from the hospital today. Apparently, the team decided that I am not short-term, and that I need more long-term care. They've recommended me for a referral to a psychologist AND a psychiatrist at another clinic. I hope it doesn't cost me money because I honestly can't afford it.

The hospital faxed my doctor the information over a week ago. When I saw him Monday, he said he had didn't hear from them and that he usually doesn't. This is going to be interesting when I ask him about it. But if he didn't get it, I was told the hospital can track it and send it again.

Anyways, that's all for me now. Hopefully I'll hear something more from them soon.

Tired

I'm not doing so well today.

I've been tired all day.

I felt time go slow and quickly at the same time.

My stomach has been hurting most of the day.

I've been sighing a lot, which I was told once is a major sign of depression.

I've been eating for comfort, meaning I eat when I feel it and not always the best food. I'm pretty sure I've gained back 5 of the 20lbs I've lost.

I'm just tired of all this. I want this to all go away. I don't even know when I'll have an appointment. I called them, they didn't answer. I left a message and they didn't reply. So now, I don't know.

Summer Nights

One of the nice things about summer is that I can come out on the deck at midnight and use my laptop, which is what I'm currently doing. Usually, no one else is around, unless it's a weekend and there's a party somewhere nearby. It's quiet, cool and dark. My house is often loud, warm and bright. But, being in the middle of a set of row/townhouses, it gets warm very easily.

It's good for the laptop too. She's getting almost three years old, and her fan (among other things) doesn't work as well as it used to. Overheating is common, so getting her out into the cool air is great. Even though it's dark, I've spent enough time on the computer to know where the keys are, so typing isn't a problem. Unfortunately, as mentioned, the old girl is starting to get up there. Her battery is shot, which means I only have 33% battery as of right now. Maybe I should go back in.

And now I'm inside.

I saw my family doctor today. He wants to keep me on the pills until I start more therapy, despite me telling him I didn't think they were working. He told me to go out in the sun and see how it goes after therapy. I still haven't heard from the therapy people. I called but they didn't call back. I'll try again tomorrow.

I don't mind going out in the sun, but I don't like being too hot. I'd rather go out in the evening/night.

Adult Child

This is a long weekend for many Canadians, due to Canada Day being on a Friday. My father decided to take a three-day weekend and turn it into a 5 day. (It's back to 3.5-day weekend though.) He had Thursday and Saturday off, and Sunday and Monday. The last of one week, the beginning of the next. He's decided to go back to work Sunday overnight though. He kinda makes his own hours. In the meantime, most people love the idea of a long weekend, whether it's 3, 4, 5 days long. What a time to get things done!

Wait.

This is my father.

I don't know what normal fathers do on their days off. I can guess, judging by television and movies. I also know that my grandfather, a mason by trade, also spent a lot of timing building his kitchen, digging out half a basement and redoing half his house. I have many memories of my grandfather in his workshop or shed building or working on something. He also likes fishing and keeps a garden. Television tells me that fathers also like to do a lot more around the house, golf, camp.

Not my father.

My father likes to drink. I'm not sure if you're surprised by this or not. Depends who you are and what you already know about me.

The plan was originally for him to drink from Thursday to Sunday, using Monday as a day to "recover". However, I'm sure that tomorrow will be the recovery day. The way he plans it, the way he drinks alone, drinks to escape his problems, I think you know where I'm going with this.

There are other problems, other addictions, but I won't go into this here. I will say that, yes, I'm an adult child of a parent with addictions. This is most likely the cause for a lot of my problems.

The following are a list of characteristics common in people like me:

• have to guess what normal behaviour is in many situations,
• have difficulties completing projects,
• lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
• are self-judgmental,
• have difficulties having fun,
• take themselves very seriously,
• have problems in intimate relationships,
• overreact to changes which they can't control,
• are always looking for approval and confirmation,
• think they're different,
• are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
• are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,
• are impulsive

I'm pretty sure I have at least 11 of these.

Therapy is going to be very interesting again. Previously, I learned how to deal and cope with the anxiety all this caused. Not, I need to untie the knots. I think these are tied up pretty strong.

Escapism

I'm an escapist. I love to get lost somewhere, whether it's in a book, movie or video game. Most times, I'm lost in one of those, or sometimes in a fantasy in my head. (I'm assuming that I'm not the only one who has "created" a movie/book/what-if scenarios in their head. Please tell me I'm not.) Sometimes, I need to physically escape, usually meaning I need to just get out of my house and get lost somewhere else. One of my favourite places to escape is the bookstore.

While I'm at Chapters, I can browse around forever, just looking at various books. I don't even have to buy anything. I can imagine in which circumstances I'll need to use various travel books, wonder if future students will like some of these children's books, look through the comedy and picture books for a laugh. I can grab a coffee at the included Starbucks. Personally, in terms of reading, I like a good fiction and recently found Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance. The names are just as they seem. However, it's hard to find which books in the romance are actually the paranormal ones I like unless I sit and go through them. (Here's a plug: if you like a romance about a strong, smart, independent woman meeting a strange man with ties to an ancient race of Celtic Fairies where there may or may not be prophecies, mystical happenings and maybe time travel, check out Karen Marie Moning's books. I love her. Those may or may not depends on which of the books you read, but yeah, the Tuatha De Danann feature quite prominently.)

Like most escapes, one must return and I have to turn off my game or return home. It doesn't matter how many things I kill or how many places my book browsing takes me, my problems are still there, waiting for me.

I can temporarily get out of them. I can watch funny videos, read some Cyanide and Happiness comics (very dark humour, it's not for everyone!) and laugh. But after those brief moments, it's gone again. I can't stay happy. Not right now anyways.

The Two Mes

I don't think it's any secret that I have self-esteem problems. In fact, the nurse I saw last week wrote it in big letters, underlined and circled it. But there is another problem, which I don't think can be fixed by a therapist.

There are two sides of me which don't overly go together. At least, not in the fashion sense. It's not a huge problem to find clothes to match my nerdy side. In fact, I'm currently sporting my faded Ralph Wiggum "I'm Special" t-shirt. I also have the "Bazinga" shirt which people seem to love. I recently acquired a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt as well.

It's also not hard to find shirts to match my more feminine side. Shirts that look good and that make me feel good. Most girls will know what I'm talking about it. I have numerous shirts like that.

But it's hard to find shirts that show off my feminine side (even though I don't have a huge feminine side, I still have one) and show off my nerdy side at the same time. It's almost like the feminine nerd can't exist in t-shirt form.

I don't mind having these two sides, but it costs me twice as much money getting all this shirts! I could kill two birds with one stone if I could get a feminine shirt that is also nerdy. And I guess what I mean by feminine...well...with the Ralph shirt...it's for females, but a boy COULD wear it and it would still be alright.

Next, dealing with my love for symphonic metal and dark humour combined with the rest of me.

Maybe my personality is too mixed. Or maybe I shouldn't exist due to my inner personality conflicts.

Food woes

There are times when you just don't care anymore. You put on the smiley face and act the part but you just don't care.

Before my current episodes, I lost about 20 lbs. I was about halfway to my goal. Now, I don't care. The thought of exercise makes me tired. I have half a bag of basmati rice in the cupboard that I've had for a few weeks. I've eaten one of the ten lean beef burgers that are in the box. I've eaten chocolate and chips. I mostly just want to eat fast food and kraft dinner. Mostly, I don't care.

And right now, I can't find my fudge. I think someone ate it and it makes me sad.

Medication Complication

On Monday, I was told to switch the times I'd take my pills. That means I'd go from the morning of Monday to the evening of Tuesday without taking any medication.

Early Tuesday, I had very little appetite. Even going out for lunch made me eat a lot less than I normally do. My appetite grew worse and worse, eating a nanaimo bar (which would get about 7.5/10) and half a plate of fries by the time the day went on. I felt sicker and sicker, almost throwing up at work. I left 20 minutes early because I couldn't stand it anymore and threw up at home. Took my pill and went to bed. Yesterday I felt much better except near the end of the day when I started to feel a little woozy again.

So I guess it's helping me with the nausea since I feel sick when I go to bed but not when I wake up. I also feel awake when I get up. So that helps. I'm in bed a long time though. Tuesday I was sick, don't think that counts. But I laid down at 10:30, eventually fell asleep around midnight and staying in bed until 11. So, we're talking over 12 hours in bed. Last night, I went to bed around 2, got up at 12. So...10 hours in bed.

Right now, I don't feel tired, but I have low energy. I need motivation to get off the lazy-boy. There's no intrinsic motivation there.

I had my session Tuesday. Basically, they can make an argument for me to see a psychiatrist, psychologist or a social worker. I should know next week.

There may be motivation to get off the chair, as I just received a text.

The Daily Update

I went to my family doctor today. He was impressed that I got into the START clinic so quickly and I start there tomorrow. He gave me more pills and made a note of my symptoms. It was hard to talk about the images I've had in my head. He told me that I have to tell them about the images i my head because it'll put me in a different level or something. Not sure if that's good or bad. The doctor also told me to take my pills at night. It might be easier on my stomach that way. Plus, it might help me be tired at night and alert in the day. It said it was either the pills or depression.

I'm a little scared of going. What if they want me to stay in? What if they think I'm wasting time because I'm seeing them because of a guy? Well, it's not just a guy; my happiness is dependent too much on interpersonal relationships and social interactions. I'm like a Sim whose social mood goes down quickly and then my plumbob is red. He was just my catalyst, what made me realize that my interpersonal relationships aren't good. Unfortunately, my relationships with males is ten times worse, which makes me jump at various signs of attractions. I guess we need to figure out why this is, and why social rejection sends me into a quick downward spiral that can take you down so low that you can't see the light above. You can't even see the stairs that bring you back up because it's so dark.

I still want to teach, but at this stage, I can't wrap my head around the amount of work I'd have to do. I also still want to go to Scotland. Though it actually feels more than a want. Would it be so bad to just go? Find a flat and a job, even fast food, and then try to find a teaching job for the next term, after getting settled. Would that be so bad?

Would that make me happy?

Celtic Blood

This morning, I felt like I had to make a decision: stay at home and avoid people, or face people and sing a loved hymn. I contemplated staying home. I didn't want to face the possibility of seeing my ex-boyfriend and his now wife, looking happy, because I'd feel the need to punch someone in the face. I'd have that desire regardless of who got married. If any newly married people in church, even if it were a friend or fellow choir member were overly happy, I'd have to hit something. I didn't want to deal with people discussing the wedding and with people possibly coddling me even though I have tried to make it clear that I'm over it. It just happened to have fallen in the same 24 hour period when I'm told that the guy I'm currently still having feelings for is trying to work things out with his ex, which lead to me crying until 4 am. Also brought my head into some very disturbing places. It hasn't come out of it yet, really, but I won't go into it here. One of you will have me committed if I did start to talk about it here.

I contemplated going to church. By going, I'm out of the house and more opportunities to be out of my head, except, honestly, there are parts of the service that I tend to tune out and listen for the keywords that indicates to me that I have to be alert because I have to do something soon. No offense. By going to church, I'd be able to hold my head, or at least act the part, and just get through. I would also be able to sing St. Patrick's Breastplate. It's a hymn (also called I Bind Unto Myself Today), which I love and sing once a year.

My Celtic blood told me that I had to sing.

I'm well over 50% Irish. My grandfather is a Sullivan and we can trace our roots back to when one of them crossed the Atlantic. The one who came over was born in England, but either his father or grandfather moved from Ireland. Sullivan is a very Irish name, being the third most popular surname in Ireland, and most popular in some parts. There's also a fair number of Irish links on my dad's side, including Fitzgeralds. There's also a lot of English in me too, as my grandmother's family came from Jersey and/or Isle of Man. It's debatable. Isle of Man would probably make me even more Celtic than Jersey.

The only missing link would be my own last name: Evans. Welsh name, but story has it that my grandfather's grandfather (I think) was actually Spanish, came to Newfoundland and changed his name. He was the one who married the Fitzgerald.

If it's true, I'm a Celtic Spaniard or a Spanish Celt.

None of this, however, explains my love of Scotland, unless it's that last part of the British Isles I'm not affiliated with and need in order to be complete, or someone back in my blood is Scottish and didn't tell anyone.

Either way, my Celtic blood would have boiled with the hot-tempered Spanish blood and may not have gone over very well at all. So, the Celtic won and away I went.

Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, helped by the fact there were no newlyweds.

I need to sleep now. I'm very tired. 10 hours of sleep in 48 hours will do that. Plus, there's an early supper with my grandfather.

I should note that I did notice some druidy things in the hymn. Made me think of connections. But that's for another day.

Notes from work II: Depression

I had a few more thoughts at work. This is what I wrote.

Depression is a physical illness. Those who disagree have never suffered. Depression is not laziness. The reason why people who have depression don't do a lot of activity is because the physical energy is not there. There are days when getting out of bed takes a lot of energy. There are other physical symptoms as well, mostly various aches and pains in places like the stomach or head. Heavy limbs are also common for me, particularly in the arms. Appetite is another issues. It's either non-existent or too much. Same for sleep. In the past number of years, I've had varying combinations of sleeping and eating schedules.

Nevermind the emotional side, but depression does cause physical pain, as I have mentioned above. There are more symptoms, I just haven't felt it. So imagine if this was you: you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't even move off the couch because there is no energy to do so. Your arms feel like they're covered in lead. Wouldn't you see a doctor? Yeah, you probably would.

Like I said, depression is a physical illness. That's not to discount the emotional aspect, but the physical components are important too. So if someone is depressed and lying around, don't accuse them of being lazy or tell them to snap out of it. It won't work. Instead, talk with them, help them. Don't yell. It won't work. It is an illness, just like anything else.

If you don't believe me, ask a friend who has suffered.

If you're feeling these symptoms, see a doctor.

Somebody to Love

My ex-boyfriend is back in town. He's getting married on Saturday. I sent an email wishing him congratulations and all the best. That's all I'm going to do. What he does or doesn't do doesn't effect me one way or the other.

The only thing that I don't like about it is the slight amount of jealousy I feel. Not jealous because he's marrying someone else, but jealous because he has someone. While he has found someone that makes him happy, I found someone who is essentially sending me back to therapy.

I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone that makes me happy.

Is that too much to ask?

Thoughts at work

The following is something I wrote while working. It was just something that was going through my mind and needed to be jotted down.

I know that wanting him is bad and something I shouldn't want. But I do. I guess I'm stupid. Probably a little naive. I mean, really, who falls for the lines "I think you're incredible", "you make me nervous", "this feels right". Oh wait. I did. Seriously, what kind if person does this? What is so wrong with me that I fell for the most ridiculous lines on the planet? And what else is so wrong that I'd be willing to negotiate with him to have him back. Even if he would just text me or comment on my facebook again, I'd be fine. If he's reading this, though I doubt he will, and he should easily recognize himself, I want contact. At least enough to help me through this.