Escapism

I'm an escapist. I love to get lost somewhere, whether it's in a book, movie or video game. Most times, I'm lost in one of those, or sometimes in a fantasy in my head. (I'm assuming that I'm not the only one who has "created" a movie/book/what-if scenarios in their head. Please tell me I'm not.) Sometimes, I need to physically escape, usually meaning I need to just get out of my house and get lost somewhere else. One of my favourite places to escape is the bookstore.

While I'm at Chapters, I can browse around forever, just looking at various books. I don't even have to buy anything. I can imagine in which circumstances I'll need to use various travel books, wonder if future students will like some of these children's books, look through the comedy and picture books for a laugh. I can grab a coffee at the included Starbucks. Personally, in terms of reading, I like a good fiction and recently found Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance. The names are just as they seem. However, it's hard to find which books in the romance are actually the paranormal ones I like unless I sit and go through them. (Here's a plug: if you like a romance about a strong, smart, independent woman meeting a strange man with ties to an ancient race of Celtic Fairies where there may or may not be prophecies, mystical happenings and maybe time travel, check out Karen Marie Moning's books. I love her. Those may or may not depends on which of the books you read, but yeah, the Tuatha De Danann feature quite prominently.)

Like most escapes, one must return and I have to turn off my game or return home. It doesn't matter how many things I kill or how many places my book browsing takes me, my problems are still there, waiting for me.

I can temporarily get out of them. I can watch funny videos, read some Cyanide and Happiness comics (very dark humour, it's not for everyone!) and laugh. But after those brief moments, it's gone again. I can't stay happy. Not right now anyways.

The Two Mes

I don't think it's any secret that I have self-esteem problems. In fact, the nurse I saw last week wrote it in big letters, underlined and circled it. But there is another problem, which I don't think can be fixed by a therapist.

There are two sides of me which don't overly go together. At least, not in the fashion sense. It's not a huge problem to find clothes to match my nerdy side. In fact, I'm currently sporting my faded Ralph Wiggum "I'm Special" t-shirt. I also have the "Bazinga" shirt which people seem to love. I recently acquired a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt as well.

It's also not hard to find shirts to match my more feminine side. Shirts that look good and that make me feel good. Most girls will know what I'm talking about it. I have numerous shirts like that.

But it's hard to find shirts that show off my feminine side (even though I don't have a huge feminine side, I still have one) and show off my nerdy side at the same time. It's almost like the feminine nerd can't exist in t-shirt form.

I don't mind having these two sides, but it costs me twice as much money getting all this shirts! I could kill two birds with one stone if I could get a feminine shirt that is also nerdy. And I guess what I mean by feminine...well...with the Ralph shirt...it's for females, but a boy COULD wear it and it would still be alright.

Next, dealing with my love for symphonic metal and dark humour combined with the rest of me.

Maybe my personality is too mixed. Or maybe I shouldn't exist due to my inner personality conflicts.

Food woes

There are times when you just don't care anymore. You put on the smiley face and act the part but you just don't care.

Before my current episodes, I lost about 20 lbs. I was about halfway to my goal. Now, I don't care. The thought of exercise makes me tired. I have half a bag of basmati rice in the cupboard that I've had for a few weeks. I've eaten one of the ten lean beef burgers that are in the box. I've eaten chocolate and chips. I mostly just want to eat fast food and kraft dinner. Mostly, I don't care.

And right now, I can't find my fudge. I think someone ate it and it makes me sad.

Medication Complication

On Monday, I was told to switch the times I'd take my pills. That means I'd go from the morning of Monday to the evening of Tuesday without taking any medication.

Early Tuesday, I had very little appetite. Even going out for lunch made me eat a lot less than I normally do. My appetite grew worse and worse, eating a nanaimo bar (which would get about 7.5/10) and half a plate of fries by the time the day went on. I felt sicker and sicker, almost throwing up at work. I left 20 minutes early because I couldn't stand it anymore and threw up at home. Took my pill and went to bed. Yesterday I felt much better except near the end of the day when I started to feel a little woozy again.

So I guess it's helping me with the nausea since I feel sick when I go to bed but not when I wake up. I also feel awake when I get up. So that helps. I'm in bed a long time though. Tuesday I was sick, don't think that counts. But I laid down at 10:30, eventually fell asleep around midnight and staying in bed until 11. So, we're talking over 12 hours in bed. Last night, I went to bed around 2, got up at 12. So...10 hours in bed.

Right now, I don't feel tired, but I have low energy. I need motivation to get off the lazy-boy. There's no intrinsic motivation there.

I had my session Tuesday. Basically, they can make an argument for me to see a psychiatrist, psychologist or a social worker. I should know next week.

There may be motivation to get off the chair, as I just received a text.

The Daily Update

I went to my family doctor today. He was impressed that I got into the START clinic so quickly and I start there tomorrow. He gave me more pills and made a note of my symptoms. It was hard to talk about the images I've had in my head. He told me that I have to tell them about the images i my head because it'll put me in a different level or something. Not sure if that's good or bad. The doctor also told me to take my pills at night. It might be easier on my stomach that way. Plus, it might help me be tired at night and alert in the day. It said it was either the pills or depression.

I'm a little scared of going. What if they want me to stay in? What if they think I'm wasting time because I'm seeing them because of a guy? Well, it's not just a guy; my happiness is dependent too much on interpersonal relationships and social interactions. I'm like a Sim whose social mood goes down quickly and then my plumbob is red. He was just my catalyst, what made me realize that my interpersonal relationships aren't good. Unfortunately, my relationships with males is ten times worse, which makes me jump at various signs of attractions. I guess we need to figure out why this is, and why social rejection sends me into a quick downward spiral that can take you down so low that you can't see the light above. You can't even see the stairs that bring you back up because it's so dark.

I still want to teach, but at this stage, I can't wrap my head around the amount of work I'd have to do. I also still want to go to Scotland. Though it actually feels more than a want. Would it be so bad to just go? Find a flat and a job, even fast food, and then try to find a teaching job for the next term, after getting settled. Would that be so bad?

Would that make me happy?

Celtic Blood

This morning, I felt like I had to make a decision: stay at home and avoid people, or face people and sing a loved hymn. I contemplated staying home. I didn't want to face the possibility of seeing my ex-boyfriend and his now wife, looking happy, because I'd feel the need to punch someone in the face. I'd have that desire regardless of who got married. If any newly married people in church, even if it were a friend or fellow choir member were overly happy, I'd have to hit something. I didn't want to deal with people discussing the wedding and with people possibly coddling me even though I have tried to make it clear that I'm over it. It just happened to have fallen in the same 24 hour period when I'm told that the guy I'm currently still having feelings for is trying to work things out with his ex, which lead to me crying until 4 am. Also brought my head into some very disturbing places. It hasn't come out of it yet, really, but I won't go into it here. One of you will have me committed if I did start to talk about it here.

I contemplated going to church. By going, I'm out of the house and more opportunities to be out of my head, except, honestly, there are parts of the service that I tend to tune out and listen for the keywords that indicates to me that I have to be alert because I have to do something soon. No offense. By going to church, I'd be able to hold my head, or at least act the part, and just get through. I would also be able to sing St. Patrick's Breastplate. It's a hymn (also called I Bind Unto Myself Today), which I love and sing once a year.

My Celtic blood told me that I had to sing.

I'm well over 50% Irish. My grandfather is a Sullivan and we can trace our roots back to when one of them crossed the Atlantic. The one who came over was born in England, but either his father or grandfather moved from Ireland. Sullivan is a very Irish name, being the third most popular surname in Ireland, and most popular in some parts. There's also a fair number of Irish links on my dad's side, including Fitzgeralds. There's also a lot of English in me too, as my grandmother's family came from Jersey and/or Isle of Man. It's debatable. Isle of Man would probably make me even more Celtic than Jersey.

The only missing link would be my own last name: Evans. Welsh name, but story has it that my grandfather's grandfather (I think) was actually Spanish, came to Newfoundland and changed his name. He was the one who married the Fitzgerald.

If it's true, I'm a Celtic Spaniard or a Spanish Celt.

None of this, however, explains my love of Scotland, unless it's that last part of the British Isles I'm not affiliated with and need in order to be complete, or someone back in my blood is Scottish and didn't tell anyone.

Either way, my Celtic blood would have boiled with the hot-tempered Spanish blood and may not have gone over very well at all. So, the Celtic won and away I went.

Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, helped by the fact there were no newlyweds.

I need to sleep now. I'm very tired. 10 hours of sleep in 48 hours will do that. Plus, there's an early supper with my grandfather.

I should note that I did notice some druidy things in the hymn. Made me think of connections. But that's for another day.

Notes from work II: Depression

I had a few more thoughts at work. This is what I wrote.

Depression is a physical illness. Those who disagree have never suffered. Depression is not laziness. The reason why people who have depression don't do a lot of activity is because the physical energy is not there. There are days when getting out of bed takes a lot of energy. There are other physical symptoms as well, mostly various aches and pains in places like the stomach or head. Heavy limbs are also common for me, particularly in the arms. Appetite is another issues. It's either non-existent or too much. Same for sleep. In the past number of years, I've had varying combinations of sleeping and eating schedules.

Nevermind the emotional side, but depression does cause physical pain, as I have mentioned above. There are more symptoms, I just haven't felt it. So imagine if this was you: you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't even move off the couch because there is no energy to do so. Your arms feel like they're covered in lead. Wouldn't you see a doctor? Yeah, you probably would.

Like I said, depression is a physical illness. That's not to discount the emotional aspect, but the physical components are important too. So if someone is depressed and lying around, don't accuse them of being lazy or tell them to snap out of it. It won't work. Instead, talk with them, help them. Don't yell. It won't work. It is an illness, just like anything else.

If you don't believe me, ask a friend who has suffered.

If you're feeling these symptoms, see a doctor.

Somebody to Love

My ex-boyfriend is back in town. He's getting married on Saturday. I sent an email wishing him congratulations and all the best. That's all I'm going to do. What he does or doesn't do doesn't effect me one way or the other.

The only thing that I don't like about it is the slight amount of jealousy I feel. Not jealous because he's marrying someone else, but jealous because he has someone. While he has found someone that makes him happy, I found someone who is essentially sending me back to therapy.

I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone that makes me happy.

Is that too much to ask?

Thoughts at work

The following is something I wrote while working. It was just something that was going through my mind and needed to be jotted down.

I know that wanting him is bad and something I shouldn't want. But I do. I guess I'm stupid. Probably a little naive. I mean, really, who falls for the lines "I think you're incredible", "you make me nervous", "this feels right". Oh wait. I did. Seriously, what kind if person does this? What is so wrong with me that I fell for the most ridiculous lines on the planet? And what else is so wrong that I'd be willing to negotiate with him to have him back. Even if he would just text me or comment on my facebook again, I'd be fine. If he's reading this, though I doubt he will, and he should easily recognize himself, I want contact. At least enough to help me through this.

Medication Updates

I guess it's time for the daily updates. My depressive/suicidal thoughts have had no change. Actually, depressive thoughts might have gotten a little worse. Tiredness isn't too bad today. I was good most of the day except after walking to work. I felt a little like collapsing then. I also felt my nausea get worse after walking to work as well. I guess it's the movement. My lucidity has been fairly good. My brain is nowhere near as fuzzy. I did feel a little spacey while in the supermarket, however.

What I'm feeling now sucks. It feels terrible to actually miss someone that you shouldn't. You know better, you know how badly treated you were, but you still wish you had them. And the thing is...you may not have even mattered as much as you would have liked.

And of course, all you can think about is what you did to deserve this, why you always find yourself in this situation. This is why I'm going back to therapy.

Day three

So, this is the third day on the medication. It's been up and down, I guess. Going to Wal-Mart with mom was alright, as it allowed me to get out of the house. However, it also allowed me to get weird feelings. Being vertical for lengthy periods of time led to exhaustion and nausea. I've decided to make a note on a scale from one to ten.

Nausea

About a 6 earlier, without Pepto-bismol. With the Pepto-bismol, it's about a 4.

Lucidity

Took me a while to get there, but it's actually pretty good today. About an 8, and I haven't found myself going off track much today.

Depressive Thoughts

About 5-6. About what it has been.

Suicidal Thoughts

2. Barely there. If this gets to a 5, then I need to monitor. If it hits I guess 7 or higher, I need to go to the hospital. I think. I'll see what it's doing.

Tiredness

If I'm sitting, it's about a 2. If I'm walking, up and about, it's about 7.

As far as I can think, this is what I need to monitor. If anyone else can think of something else, then I'll monitor that too.

I don't really know what else to say. I had some depressive thoughts earlier that would have gone in here, but as I wasn't near the computer, it didn't happen.

Side Effect Fun

So this is my second day on my medication. So far, I'm noticing two major side effects. The first is nausea. Oh dear God, the nausea. At least, on a scale of 1-10, yesterday was a 7 or 8. Today's about a 4. If I'm in more of a lying down position, on an incline, it's down to about a 2. Not sure why. I'm sort of on an incline now.

The second side effect is the mental functioning. I've been calling it lucid, since it feels like the best word for it. When lucid, I'm feeling more normal. When I'm not lucid, I'm kinda loopy and my brain is fuzzy. It's kinda like my mind goes off the tracks and my mouth goes with it. It makes sense, but it's just a runaway train. I start and don't stop. If I don't verbalize it, it'll rotate in my head and it becomes a mess. Usually, that's not good. So right now, I don't like to be alone or have no way to say what's on my mind. I walked back from the doctor's earlier, alone and when I came back, my mind was gone.

I got a call from the clinic today and I start therapy on June 21st. I wish it was a bit earlier, but it's less than 2 weeks when you think about it. By that time, my pills will be taking more of an effect. I might print off my blog entries to show to them. I was told by my doctor that if I needed emergency help and I end up in a bad place, then to call them immediately. I won't lie. Seeing tomorrow is hard. Not that I don't feel like tomorrow won't happen, but when I think about tomorrow or much in the near future, it feels fuzzy. I don't know if that makes sense.

I really hope that the side effects are over soon. I hate feeling like this. It's like you're not in control of your mind which is a scary for me. I'll keep posted.

In a depression

I haven't updated in about a week, but to be fair, I haven't really felt like it. Those of you who know me probably know that I've had problems with depression and anxiety in the past. I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I haven't felt the need to go in the past year or so. I felt that I dealt with the majority of my problems and learned coping skills for when I find myself having an episode.

I was wrong.

I spent a lot of time with negative feedback loops, parents, family, school, anxiety. I spent the first part of my time dealing with social anxiety. I did work with that. But there's still something I haven't done a lot with, and it's now causing me problems.

I haven't deal much at all with negative interpersonal relationships. I haven't really needed to. The biggest relationship fail that I had to deal with was the end of an almost 3-year relationship. Of course I wasn't going to be doing well after that.

But to feel this way after a "fling", as some people have called it? Not quite right. The negative feedback loop is back as I wonder what's wrong with me, for falling for things like I did, why I always tend to be this way. I really don't want to go too far into my thoughts. It's not the best place to be. My mood has been very low the past few weeks, but I've done a good job at hiding it. I've lost interest in many things, and often would like to just sit/lie around and do nothing. I'm tired a lot. I finished a cup of coffee about an hour ago and I'm ready for another one before falling asleep again. I do things I have to do because I have to do it. It's sort of like an autopilot thing.

I know what my trigger for this episode is and frankly, I can't deal with it. It's not just the "fling". It's just interpersonal relationships in general. I went to my doctor and I have new medication. I'm also being referred to a clinic. I should hear from them soon.

Also, if anyone from my church is reading this: I'm over him. I don't care when he's getting married. What frustrates me is that people pussyfoot around me when he's the subject. Yes, you are allowed to talk about him when I'm around. I won't run away and cry.