Side Effects Update

I guess this is my second full day of the pill switch. Here's an update:

- Sleep. I must have spent at least 10 hours in bed last night/this morning and then dozed this afternoon. I don't know if this is withdrawal or new medication.

- Nausea. Worse than yesterday. I can barely sit up straight (I'm currently lounging on the couch at a 45 degree angle. Any higher and I feel like throwing up).

- Head stuff. Mind is not so foggy today and the light headedness comes and go.

- Crying jags. That started today. First, when I tried to explain why I wasn't going to work. Then when I realized I couldn't eat the bananas since they're for baking. Then when I told the cat there wasn't another cat outside.

Appetite is fine though. And my mood is stable...ish. As much as it can be dealing with the side effects. It's mostly the nausea and head that keeps me from work tonight. Hopefully I can make it tomorrow.

Withdrawaling TIme

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and told him about everything that was going on. He gave me a new medication and told me to get off the other. So I'm off Pristiq and on Wellbutrin. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a lot of withdrawal symptoms. Right now I'm dealing with:

- nausea. Not fun at all.

- light-headedness/dizziness. Also not fun. It makes me want to do nothing. This is probably the worst part.

- foggy head/loss of concentration. I hate these because it's....the proof is I can't find the word to describe it.

My mood hasn't changed. I guess that's ok.

Hopefully the new drug will take over soon while I deal with this withdrawal stuff.

In the meantime, I think I should at least lie down for a while, even though it's 12:30 in the morning.

I'm told it takes about 7 days to get over this "detox". This is gonna be a long seven days.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving here in Canada. Not sure why we have it earlier than Americans. it might have to do with it being colder so we have to harvest earlier. I honestly have no idea. Either way, I get turkey this weekend.

Despite the yummy eating, it's a time to be thankful for various things. I'm not sure what to say for that. I could say I have my health, but I have this new stomach/acid/gassy thing which is not fun. I have friends, that's not something everyone can say. I do have a job. It's not what I want to do with my life but it's something legal that makes money. In this economy, you do what you can.

I don't think I have my mind, which is a terrible thing to say. Have a very quick....thing with someone, my heart and pride shattered, leading to a depression that I haven't found my way fully out of. I feel like I've peaked with my medication and I'm not where I used to be. Disturbing images pop in my head again periodically. The biggest thing? The car-related anxiety attacks are returning. The first one was back in April, but it was an isolated incident, or so I thought. Then I had a few on the bus. In the past few weeks, about half the time I get in a car, I'd feel one coming. I do everything I can do to avoid them: I read, I talk, I play with the phone, I do some combination of all the above. I don't know why the attacks are coming back and I don't like it.

I have every plan to tell the doctor when I see him in two weeks. It might even get me in to see a psychiatrist quicker.

I don't know

I can't sleep, which isn't great since I need to get up in 5 hours and go to work. I have a mug of warm milk beside me. Doesn't taste the best, but that's not why I drink it. It usually does the job of helping me sleep. Thoughts racing, on the other hand, do not. I don't know if I've done a blog of keep-me-awake thoughts, but I thought it might help.

For the past few days, I've been thinking about someone way too much, even though it's been something like 3 months since I've last saw him. No...it was past that. We had lunch one day. I think that was in June. June sounds right. Last time we were together was May. So, it's been that long. I don't know why he's been running through my mind, but he has. And it fucking hurts.

There are times when I wish I hadn't met him and then I wouldn't be feeling this way now. There are times when I wish he'd call/text/message/whatever and say that the he chose the wrong path, that he wants me back and we can move on. Other times, I just want to move on.

I don't know why I have this problem of letting things go. Maybe that's why I want to run away, so I can physically leave it behind. Physically leaving things behind is easier than mentally and emotionally leaving things behind.

I don't know if he reads this. If he does, he should know who he is based on what I've said.

If he does read this, this is for him: I don't know what I want from you. I don't know if I want to be friends with you or if I want you to pick me or if I never want to see you again. Right now, I could go for all 3 options, but then I'd be disappointed in the one it ended up being. I just want to stop hurting.

I feel like there's more I should say, but I don't know what I want to say anymore.

Midnight Queries

What brings about feelings of sadness almost randomly? And why do they happen more often at night? Even though I prefer the nighttime, I'm the most lonely then. I don't know why. Maybe because a lot of people are gone to bed. It's at night when I feel most like maybe my medications aren't working.

Why does it feel like something is missing? I don't feel like a whole person. What would make me feel whole? If going away is an option, would I feel better? Would my problems stay here or will they follow me wherever I go?

I feel like I should write more, but I honestly don't know what to say. If anyone has insight on why there appears to be more depression from me at night, I'd appreciate it.

Working Girl

I have heard from the various doctors/hospitals. I've been referred to a long-term clinic. My doctor said I should hear from them in three weeks. A letter from Eastern Health (the board of health) said it can take up to a year.

I don't know if I can survive a year. So hopefully I'll hear soon.

Wal-mart is ok so far. There's a lot of breaks! Like most jobs, when it goes fast, it goes fast. I still feel a little uncertain though, based on different things like when people ask me where things are. I know the general area, which section, but these people want me to pick it up and give it to them, basically.

And then cleaning up the area, which is what you always have to do, can be annoying because people pick up things and lay them down in random places. But whatever.

I don't know what'll happen with the other job because I don't want to leave there and I'll work both if I can. I'll know soon I guess.

Just...Sad

I went to Chapters today. I wanted to pick up Book Two of A Song of Ice and Fire. I'll soon be done the first book and I wanted to get the second one while I still had money. I didn't stay as long as I wanted to. First of all, the battery in my mp3 player was dying and I hate being somewhere without music to listen to. Second of all, during my wandering, I somehow ended up in the Sex and Relationship section. The title of a book made me stop. It was called "It's Not Him. It's You." The second I saw that, the tears welled up and I had to leave, not just that section, but the entire store. I paid for my A Clash of Kings (that's the 2nd book) and left before I started crying.

In my opinion, the jury is still out on if it's the him's in my life or if it's me or if it's some combination of both. Most likely it's the combinations. And I know that I shouldn't but I do miss someone that I shouldn't be missing. I don't think I've seen him in over a month, barely words exchanged since then. But still.

I have very unhealthy relationships.

I'm not sure what it is, but I want to cry but can't.

I see my doctor this week. Hopefully, he'll have news about the psychiatrist.

Small Update

I haven't really posted much this weekend. Not really sure what to say. Other than me getting a job interview for a clothing store. I told them I can work anytime, but if I want to stay where I am, I'll have to tell them to I only want to work in the day. After I start, of course. Besides, working there, I'd get a discount on clothing. They have a lot of teacher friendly clothes there.

Other than that, I just kinda...go through life. I just do what I have to do. That, and lose myself in World of Warcraft. It's easy for me since I don't have to do much thinking, much work. I follow the map to my quests, press buttons, things die and I get a reward. But I have no feeling for it. It just kinda happens.

And I'm reading A Song of Ice and Fire series. You may also know it as A Game of Thrones which is just the first book in the series. I'm not that far into it, but it's good so far. And I've been doing a good job at not reading spoilers.

I guess that's it for now.

I knew something was up

If you want proof of my depression, I have it.

I love manly men. I mean really masculine, dripping with testosterone. Take me to a hockey game, and the smell of the testosterone in the air is fantastic. Great muscles, dripping in sweat...love it. Right now, there are construction workers across the street. They've been redoing the windows, outside siding and roofs to the houses.

I don't care.

I've seen them, in their tank tops, sweating and muscles rippling as they climb the scaffolding, hammering things in. And I don't care. There's nothing there.

In the meantime, I got a call from the hospital today. Apparently, the team decided that I am not short-term, and that I need more long-term care. They've recommended me for a referral to a psychologist AND a psychiatrist at another clinic. I hope it doesn't cost me money because I honestly can't afford it.

The hospital faxed my doctor the information over a week ago. When I saw him Monday, he said he had didn't hear from them and that he usually doesn't. This is going to be interesting when I ask him about it. But if he didn't get it, I was told the hospital can track it and send it again.

Anyways, that's all for me now. Hopefully I'll hear something more from them soon.

Tired

I'm not doing so well today.

I've been tired all day.

I felt time go slow and quickly at the same time.

My stomach has been hurting most of the day.

I've been sighing a lot, which I was told once is a major sign of depression.

I've been eating for comfort, meaning I eat when I feel it and not always the best food. I'm pretty sure I've gained back 5 of the 20lbs I've lost.

I'm just tired of all this. I want this to all go away. I don't even know when I'll have an appointment. I called them, they didn't answer. I left a message and they didn't reply. So now, I don't know.

Adult Child

This is a long weekend for many Canadians, due to Canada Day being on a Friday. My father decided to take a three-day weekend and turn it into a 5 day. (It's back to 3.5-day weekend though.) He had Thursday and Saturday off, and Sunday and Monday. The last of one week, the beginning of the next. He's decided to go back to work Sunday overnight though. He kinda makes his own hours. In the meantime, most people love the idea of a long weekend, whether it's 3, 4, 5 days long. What a time to get things done!

Wait.

This is my father.

I don't know what normal fathers do on their days off. I can guess, judging by television and movies. I also know that my grandfather, a mason by trade, also spent a lot of timing building his kitchen, digging out half a basement and redoing half his house. I have many memories of my grandfather in his workshop or shed building or working on something. He also likes fishing and keeps a garden. Television tells me that fathers also like to do a lot more around the house, golf, camp.

Not my father.

My father likes to drink. I'm not sure if you're surprised by this or not. Depends who you are and what you already know about me.

The plan was originally for him to drink from Thursday to Sunday, using Monday as a day to "recover". However, I'm sure that tomorrow will be the recovery day. The way he plans it, the way he drinks alone, drinks to escape his problems, I think you know where I'm going with this.

There are other problems, other addictions, but I won't go into this here. I will say that, yes, I'm an adult child of a parent with addictions. This is most likely the cause for a lot of my problems.

The following are a list of characteristics common in people like me:

• have to guess what normal behaviour is in many situations,
• have difficulties completing projects,
• lie when it is equally simple to tell the truth,
• are self-judgmental,
• have difficulties having fun,
• take themselves very seriously,
• have problems in intimate relationships,
• overreact to changes which they can't control,
• are always looking for approval and confirmation,
• think they're different,
• are either extremely responsible or extremely irresponsible,
• are extremely loyal, also to people who do not deserve it,
• are impulsive

I'm pretty sure I have at least 11 of these.

Therapy is going to be very interesting again. Previously, I learned how to deal and cope with the anxiety all this caused. Not, I need to untie the knots. I think these are tied up pretty strong.

Escapism

I'm an escapist. I love to get lost somewhere, whether it's in a book, movie or video game. Most times, I'm lost in one of those, or sometimes in a fantasy in my head. (I'm assuming that I'm not the only one who has "created" a movie/book/what-if scenarios in their head. Please tell me I'm not.) Sometimes, I need to physically escape, usually meaning I need to just get out of my house and get lost somewhere else. One of my favourite places to escape is the bookstore.

While I'm at Chapters, I can browse around forever, just looking at various books. I don't even have to buy anything. I can imagine in which circumstances I'll need to use various travel books, wonder if future students will like some of these children's books, look through the comedy and picture books for a laugh. I can grab a coffee at the included Starbucks. Personally, in terms of reading, I like a good fiction and recently found Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance. The names are just as they seem. However, it's hard to find which books in the romance are actually the paranormal ones I like unless I sit and go through them. (Here's a plug: if you like a romance about a strong, smart, independent woman meeting a strange man with ties to an ancient race of Celtic Fairies where there may or may not be prophecies, mystical happenings and maybe time travel, check out Karen Marie Moning's books. I love her. Those may or may not depends on which of the books you read, but yeah, the Tuatha De Danann feature quite prominently.)

Like most escapes, one must return and I have to turn off my game or return home. It doesn't matter how many things I kill or how many places my book browsing takes me, my problems are still there, waiting for me.

I can temporarily get out of them. I can watch funny videos, read some Cyanide and Happiness comics (very dark humour, it's not for everyone!) and laugh. But after those brief moments, it's gone again. I can't stay happy. Not right now anyways.

Food woes

There are times when you just don't care anymore. You put on the smiley face and act the part but you just don't care.

Before my current episodes, I lost about 20 lbs. I was about halfway to my goal. Now, I don't care. The thought of exercise makes me tired. I have half a bag of basmati rice in the cupboard that I've had for a few weeks. I've eaten one of the ten lean beef burgers that are in the box. I've eaten chocolate and chips. I mostly just want to eat fast food and kraft dinner. Mostly, I don't care.

And right now, I can't find my fudge. I think someone ate it and it makes me sad.

Medication Complication

On Monday, I was told to switch the times I'd take my pills. That means I'd go from the morning of Monday to the evening of Tuesday without taking any medication.

Early Tuesday, I had very little appetite. Even going out for lunch made me eat a lot less than I normally do. My appetite grew worse and worse, eating a nanaimo bar (which would get about 7.5/10) and half a plate of fries by the time the day went on. I felt sicker and sicker, almost throwing up at work. I left 20 minutes early because I couldn't stand it anymore and threw up at home. Took my pill and went to bed. Yesterday I felt much better except near the end of the day when I started to feel a little woozy again.

So I guess it's helping me with the nausea since I feel sick when I go to bed but not when I wake up. I also feel awake when I get up. So that helps. I'm in bed a long time though. Tuesday I was sick, don't think that counts. But I laid down at 10:30, eventually fell asleep around midnight and staying in bed until 11. So, we're talking over 12 hours in bed. Last night, I went to bed around 2, got up at 12. So...10 hours in bed.

Right now, I don't feel tired, but I have low energy. I need motivation to get off the lazy-boy. There's no intrinsic motivation there.

I had my session Tuesday. Basically, they can make an argument for me to see a psychiatrist, psychologist or a social worker. I should know next week.

There may be motivation to get off the chair, as I just received a text.

The Daily Update

I went to my family doctor today. He was impressed that I got into the START clinic so quickly and I start there tomorrow. He gave me more pills and made a note of my symptoms. It was hard to talk about the images I've had in my head. He told me that I have to tell them about the images i my head because it'll put me in a different level or something. Not sure if that's good or bad. The doctor also told me to take my pills at night. It might be easier on my stomach that way. Plus, it might help me be tired at night and alert in the day. It said it was either the pills or depression.

I'm a little scared of going. What if they want me to stay in? What if they think I'm wasting time because I'm seeing them because of a guy? Well, it's not just a guy; my happiness is dependent too much on interpersonal relationships and social interactions. I'm like a Sim whose social mood goes down quickly and then my plumbob is red. He was just my catalyst, what made me realize that my interpersonal relationships aren't good. Unfortunately, my relationships with males is ten times worse, which makes me jump at various signs of attractions. I guess we need to figure out why this is, and why social rejection sends me into a quick downward spiral that can take you down so low that you can't see the light above. You can't even see the stairs that bring you back up because it's so dark.

I still want to teach, but at this stage, I can't wrap my head around the amount of work I'd have to do. I also still want to go to Scotland. Though it actually feels more than a want. Would it be so bad to just go? Find a flat and a job, even fast food, and then try to find a teaching job for the next term, after getting settled. Would that be so bad?

Would that make me happy?

Notes from work II: Depression

I had a few more thoughts at work. This is what I wrote.

Depression is a physical illness. Those who disagree have never suffered. Depression is not laziness. The reason why people who have depression don't do a lot of activity is because the physical energy is not there. There are days when getting out of bed takes a lot of energy. There are other physical symptoms as well, mostly various aches and pains in places like the stomach or head. Heavy limbs are also common for me, particularly in the arms. Appetite is another issues. It's either non-existent or too much. Same for sleep. In the past number of years, I've had varying combinations of sleeping and eating schedules.

Nevermind the emotional side, but depression does cause physical pain, as I have mentioned above. There are more symptoms, I just haven't felt it. So imagine if this was you: you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't even move off the couch because there is no energy to do so. Your arms feel like they're covered in lead. Wouldn't you see a doctor? Yeah, you probably would.

Like I said, depression is a physical illness. That's not to discount the emotional aspect, but the physical components are important too. So if someone is depressed and lying around, don't accuse them of being lazy or tell them to snap out of it. It won't work. Instead, talk with them, help them. Don't yell. It won't work. It is an illness, just like anything else.

If you don't believe me, ask a friend who has suffered.

If you're feeling these symptoms, see a doctor.

Somebody to Love

My ex-boyfriend is back in town. He's getting married on Saturday. I sent an email wishing him congratulations and all the best. That's all I'm going to do. What he does or doesn't do doesn't effect me one way or the other.

The only thing that I don't like about it is the slight amount of jealousy I feel. Not jealous because he's marrying someone else, but jealous because he has someone. While he has found someone that makes him happy, I found someone who is essentially sending me back to therapy.

I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone that makes me happy.

Is that too much to ask?

Thoughts at work

The following is something I wrote while working. It was just something that was going through my mind and needed to be jotted down.

I know that wanting him is bad and something I shouldn't want. But I do. I guess I'm stupid. Probably a little naive. I mean, really, who falls for the lines "I think you're incredible", "you make me nervous", "this feels right". Oh wait. I did. Seriously, what kind if person does this? What is so wrong with me that I fell for the most ridiculous lines on the planet? And what else is so wrong that I'd be willing to negotiate with him to have him back. Even if he would just text me or comment on my facebook again, I'd be fine. If he's reading this, though I doubt he will, and he should easily recognize himself, I want contact. At least enough to help me through this.

Medication Updates

I guess it's time for the daily updates. My depressive/suicidal thoughts have had no change. Actually, depressive thoughts might have gotten a little worse. Tiredness isn't too bad today. I was good most of the day except after walking to work. I felt a little like collapsing then. I also felt my nausea get worse after walking to work as well. I guess it's the movement. My lucidity has been fairly good. My brain is nowhere near as fuzzy. I did feel a little spacey while in the supermarket, however.

What I'm feeling now sucks. It feels terrible to actually miss someone that you shouldn't. You know better, you know how badly treated you were, but you still wish you had them. And the thing is...you may not have even mattered as much as you would have liked.

And of course, all you can think about is what you did to deserve this, why you always find yourself in this situation. This is why I'm going back to therapy.

Day three

So, this is the third day on the medication. It's been up and down, I guess. Going to Wal-Mart with mom was alright, as it allowed me to get out of the house. However, it also allowed me to get weird feelings. Being vertical for lengthy periods of time led to exhaustion and nausea. I've decided to make a note on a scale from one to ten.

Nausea

About a 6 earlier, without Pepto-bismol. With the Pepto-bismol, it's about a 4.

Lucidity

Took me a while to get there, but it's actually pretty good today. About an 8, and I haven't found myself going off track much today.

Depressive Thoughts

About 5-6. About what it has been.

Suicidal Thoughts

2. Barely there. If this gets to a 5, then I need to monitor. If it hits I guess 7 or higher, I need to go to the hospital. I think. I'll see what it's doing.

Tiredness

If I'm sitting, it's about a 2. If I'm walking, up and about, it's about 7.

As far as I can think, this is what I need to monitor. If anyone else can think of something else, then I'll monitor that too.

I don't really know what else to say. I had some depressive thoughts earlier that would have gone in here, but as I wasn't near the computer, it didn't happen.