Heart Without a Home

I'm a huge music lover. My music collection contains pretty much every genre you could think of (at least one example of them all anyways) and music that I forget I have until Media Player decides that it will play next when I click random. I have about 20 GBs of music, not including the over 40 cds that have not yet being ripped to my library.

I've always enjoyed music, from singing along to Disney films, seeing local children performs at the Arts and Culture Center and then discovering that music plays on the radio. That was it for me. I must have been 7 or 8, when I remember telling my mom not to change the station because I liked a certain song. Turns out, that song was a song by Swedish band Ace of Base. I don't remember now if it was Don't Turn Around or The Sign, but I knew that I liked it. Soon, the cassette collection began, and I would spend hours just listening and singing along to Ace of Base, then Mariah Carey to whom I was introduced to in 1995 when I fell in love with her song Fantasy the first time I heard it. I'll still listen to some Ace of Base. It's great pumping music for working out. Mariah is one of my favourite female artists, though I mostly just listen to her old stuff.

In 1996, Canada was introduced to a group of 5 clean-cut, harmonizing, good-looking Americans called The Backstreet Boys. I was apprehensive at first. Even as a kid, I secretly wanted to be different, so I was wary of listening to the same band that everyone was listening to. Then I saw the video on NTV, which for reasons I still don't know, played music videos. I liked what I heard, and soon I was a BSB fan. While my musical preferences have changed, I'm still a fan of these (now) four men, and have watched them mature and grow, personally and musically. I have been to both of their concerts here and I was the happiest person in the world when I got to meet them last year and Nick Carter gave me his WoW handle so that I could play with him.

Nick was my favourite. And I guess, still is. I was so excited when I heard that he would be releasing a solo album in 2002. A whole album by my favourite Backstreet Boy? How awesome! When I got it, I loved it. I still do enjoy the songs. Sometimes now, depending on my mood, I may skip some songs as they come on randomly. Except one. One song never gets skipped.

This album came out in 2002. I was 16 years old, and I wasn't a happy teenager. My sister had been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier. In retrospect, I could see that I was dealing with depression and anxiety issues that I continued to push aside in order to keep everyone else happy. I had friends, but I wasn't the one who was going out every weekend. I was the one who sat in the back of the class, on the side, preferably near the window or door. I watched friends and classmates date and form relationships while I didn't. Like I mentioned, I had friends, but I was only close to a few people, and even then, I felt like I wasn't as close to them as other people were. I also had other home issues that aren't meant for this blog at this point in time. I didn't think that people were going through what I was going through, that they didn't understand the pressures of trying to keep the house together while the mother was taking care of a sick child, trying to get along with (and mostly failing) a 13 year old brother, feeling like you were so alone in the world that if you just stopped showing up at school, only the teachers doing roll call would notice. I was convinced that if I screamed in a crowded room, no one would hear me. I felt alone in the universe.

Then I played the cd. One of the last songs started, and these are the words that started:

Girl I love to watch you

You're like candy to my eyes
Like a movie that you've seen
But gotta watch just one more time
But that smile you're wearing
It's a beautiful disguise
It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside
And you seem so lonely, but you don't have to anymore

My ears were listening. By the time the bridge played, my eyes had tears:

I'll be yours, I'll be the raft in the tide
I'll be yours, I'll be the truth in a lie
And what's more, when no one opens the door
I'll be the home that you're looking for

After hearing that song, I knew. Somewhere, someone understood. I didn't know where that person was or if I'd ever find them, but someone would look at me and take me from that loneliness that I was feeling. I knew that someday, I wouldn't have to scream for attention, hoping that someone would be turn around because they're already looking at me. Have a found that person yet? I found several people in those past 9 years, from counselors, to friends and at one point, a steady boyfriend. Some of these people are no longer in my life, some of them still are. But the point is, that song was the first thing that gave me some sign of hope.

Even now, at 25 and no longer seeing a therapist and feeling a million miles away from where I was at 16, I still get that hope. If that song plays and I'm in a bad mood or lonely, I don't feel it anymore. If I'm in a good mood, such as being around one of these people, it reminds me that I'm not alone anymore. It's the song that doesn't get skipped.

People may give me an odd look or think my musical tastes are a joke when I mention that I like the Backstreet Boys. But the emotions that some of their songs bring in me is worth it. Usually, it's good memories from before things went downhill. But, as Nick's song, called "Heart Without A Home", it was the first step in a very long journey that reminded me that I wasn't alone in the world, that someday, my heart will have a home and I don't have to be lonely anymore.

The song came on my playlist tonight, in between Crazy Frog and Delain, which is what prompted this entry at 2 in the morning.

But this is a thank you to Nick Carter, who will probably not read this, and a message to anyone who ever felt like I did. To Nick: thank you. I can't thank enough what that song did to me. To the lonely: you are not alone. Trust me. I was in your shoes and it will be ok.