In a depression

I haven't updated in about a week, but to be fair, I haven't really felt like it. Those of you who know me probably know that I've had problems with depression and anxiety in the past. I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I haven't felt the need to go in the past year or so. I felt that I dealt with the majority of my problems and learned coping skills for when I find myself having an episode.

I was wrong.

I spent a lot of time with negative feedback loops, parents, family, school, anxiety. I spent the first part of my time dealing with social anxiety. I did work with that. But there's still something I haven't done a lot with, and it's now causing me problems.

I haven't deal much at all with negative interpersonal relationships. I haven't really needed to. The biggest relationship fail that I had to deal with was the end of an almost 3-year relationship. Of course I wasn't going to be doing well after that.

But to feel this way after a "fling", as some people have called it? Not quite right. The negative feedback loop is back as I wonder what's wrong with me, for falling for things like I did, why I always tend to be this way. I really don't want to go too far into my thoughts. It's not the best place to be. My mood has been very low the past few weeks, but I've done a good job at hiding it. I've lost interest in many things, and often would like to just sit/lie around and do nothing. I'm tired a lot. I finished a cup of coffee about an hour ago and I'm ready for another one before falling asleep again. I do things I have to do because I have to do it. It's sort of like an autopilot thing.

I know what my trigger for this episode is and frankly, I can't deal with it. It's not just the "fling". It's just interpersonal relationships in general. I went to my doctor and I have new medication. I'm also being referred to a clinic. I should hear from them soon.

Also, if anyone from my church is reading this: I'm over him. I don't care when he's getting married. What frustrates me is that people pussyfoot around me when he's the subject. Yes, you are allowed to talk about him when I'm around. I won't run away and cry.